Making Decisions I Can Trust

Making decisions I can trust is at the root of the idea of having clarity and feeling confident. Clarity and confidence are the two things most of my clients come to me saying they want. They’ve started doubting themselves because they’re not doing the things they say they want to do or they’ve checked all those boxes but haven’t achieved what they expected. Paralysis by analysis sets in and they feel stuck, unable to make decisions they feel like they can trust. Most of us have been here at some point in our lives thanks to some of the harmful social stories embedded in our society. Even with a lifetime surrounded by discernment work, I’ve been there too.

In this episode of Unlimited, the podcast, I’m diving into what’s blocking your sense of clarity, what to watch out for when you’re feeling unclear, and how to develop your ability to make confident decisions.

Some of what I’ll cover in this episode include:

• Individual and social patterns that make it hard to find clarity
• Overcoming past mistakes and right-sizing decisions
• The trap of people who want to help you – including coaches
• Decisions that do the most harm to your self-trust
• Ways to rebuild your self-trust
• Support for being the expert of your own life

So many people come to me saying, “I just want more clarity. I want to see the big picture so I know the right thing to do.”

Underneath that wish is usually something deeper:

• Fear of making a mistake
• Fear of failure or even success
• Eroded self-trust from experiences, systems, and relationships that taught us someone else “knows better”

This episode—and this post—are about reclaiming your own relationship with decision-making so you can make decisions you actually trust, even when you can’t see the entire path.

---

What Really Blocks Clarity (It’s Not What You Think)

We often think the problem is:

“I don’t have enough information yet. I’m just not clear.”

But most of the time, the real block isn’t information. It’s what we believe about clarity and decisions.

1. Defining Clarity as “Knowing the One Right Answer”

Many of us unconsciously define clarity as:

• Knowing the whole big picture in advance
• Being certain of the right way to do something
• Believing there is one correct path through life (and we must find it or we’ve failed)

This turns life into a labyrinth with only one acceptable route. No wonder decisions feel terrifying! If there’s only one right way, every choice feels like it could “ruin your life.”

A more supportive definition of clarity:

• Clarity is knowing the next loving step that aligns with your values and who you want to be, not knowing the entire plan.

That shift alone creates room to move.

2. Eroded Self-Trust

We live in systems that regularly tell us:

• Someone else knows what’s right for you
• Authority figures, experts, marketers, religious leaders, parents, teachers, etc. should mediate your relationship to “the truth”

Over time, this:

• Trains you to look outward for answers
• Undermines your trust in your own perception and wisdom
• Sets up a feedback loop:
  • You don’t trust your decisions → you avoid deciding or outsource decisions
  • Those decisions often don’t fit → you take it as “proof” you can’t decide well

Rebuilding self-trust is a core part of rebuilding clarity.

3. Fear of Failure and Fear of Success

Fear shows up in more than one way:

• Fear of failure:
  • “If I choose wrong, I’ll lose something important, I’ll feel ashamed, or I’ll prove I’m not good enough.”
• Fear of success:
  • “If this actually works, who will I become?”
  • “Will I lose relationships, comfort, or identity?”
  • “I don’t want to be like the people I associate with that kind of success.”

These often live in the subconscious. You may just feel stuck, “unclear,” or resistant—without knowing why.

4. Interpreting Past Experiences as Proof You Can’t Be Trusted

Painful experiences are often automatically stored as:

• “That hurt → it was bad → I must avoid that at all costs.”

Over time, your brain can turn:

• Past mistakes into identity: “I am someone who makes bad decisions.”
• Regrets into evidence: “See? I can’t be trusted.”

A powerful reframe:

• You are not a mistake.
• You can make mistakes—those are different things.
• Each choice can be a source of growth when you consciously decide what you want to take from it.

Like in Captain Marvel, where she’s shown all the times she “failed,” and she reframes them as all the times she got back up—you can reinterpret your own story as one of resilience and growth.

5. Negative Stereotypes & Bias Drain Your Energy

If you belong to groups that carry negative stereotypes in society, you may:

• Spend extra energy managing how you’re perceived
• Subconsciously worry about confirming stereotypes
• Carry internalized bias and self-doubt

All of this:

• Drains cognitive resources
• Makes decision-making more exhausting
• Adds weight to situations that remind you of those stereotypes

Nothing is wrong with you; the environment is demanding more of you.

6. Survival Mode & Scarcity

When you’re low on:

• Time
• Money
• Energy
• Emotional bandwidth

Your nervous system prioritizes survival, not nuanced reflection. Decisions feel:

• Heavier than they might objectively be
• Like “life or death” even when they aren’t
• Too risky to engage with fully

Growing up around intense stress—especially around money—can make even everyday decisions feel enormous. This is learned, and it can be unlearned with awareness and support.

---

Why We Sometimes Avoid Clarity

Here’s the paradox:

We say we want clarity, but…

• Clarity usually leads to a decision.
• If decisions feel scary, risky, or final, then…
• On some level, we’re actually avoiding clarity to avoid the decision.

We tell ourselves:

“Once I have clarity, I’ll decide.”

But underneath, it’s:

“If I stay ‘unclear,’ I don’t have to risk choosing.”

And yet, not deciding is still a decision.
Most of the decisions that hurt our self-trust the most are the ones we never really made—we just defaulted into them.

---

The Energy Cost of Decision-Making

Conscious decisions require your frontal cortex, and that:

• Uses more energy than autopilot routines
• Contributes to decision fatigue

This is why:

• Routines are supportive—they reduce the number of daily decisions
• You want to preserve your mental energy for the meaningful decisions
• It’s wise to design your life so not every tiny thing requires evaluation

The goal is not to decide about everything.
The goal is to have space for the decisions that actually matter.

---

How Coaching Can Help (and How It Can Hurt)

Coaching, done well, is powerful because it:

• Holds up a mirror so you can see the “labels on your forehead” (your beliefs, identities, assumptions)
• Helps you clarify what you want those labels to say
• Supports you in leading from who you want to be, instead of who you’re afraid you might be

However, a lot of what’s sold as “coaching” actually:

• Reinforces the same dynamic of someone else holding the answers
• Sets up a hierarchy where the coach is the “knower” and you are the “fixer-upper”
• Makes you dependent instead of empowered

Red Flags in Coaching (and Similar Helping Roles)

Be cautious when a coach, healer, or helper:

• Tells you, “You’re ready for this,” or “This is the right next step for you,” without:
  • Deeply exploring what you want
  • Asking what ready means for you
• Says or implies that:
  • “If you don’t invest, you’re not trusting yourself.”
  • “Not working with me means you’re stuck in fear / scarcity / self-sabotage.”
• Rushes your decision with:
  • “This offer is closing; you must decide right now.”
  • “Your success is on the other side of your comfort zone, so overspend or you’re not serious.”
• Frames all obstacles as “mindset”:
  • Ignoring real external barriers like money, time, health, social marginalization
• Asks you to “trust the process” when what’s needed is:
  • Learning to trust your process, not theirs

A supportive coach:

• Asks permission before giving their perspective
• Affirms your ability to make your own decisions
• Helps you access and strengthen your own inner authority
• Is more committed to your self-trust than to you saying “yes” to them

---

How to Build Self-Trust in Your Decisions

You don’t build trust in your decision-making by waiting until you’re certain.
You build it by making decisions and then learning from them with compassion.

Here are key practices to support that:

1. Know Your Values (As They Are Now)

Ask yourself:

• If I had a magic wand and could have what I truly want, what would that be?
• What about that is important to me?
• What would that make true about my life and about who I am?

From there, extract your values:

• Freedom? Stability? Creativity? Connection? Justice? Playfulness?

Make decisions that lead with:

“Who do I want to be here?”
rather than: “What am I afraid might be true about me?”

2. Redefine “Ready”

Instead of waiting to feel ready (which might never come), define:

• What would be true if I considered myself ready?
• How would I be thinking, acting, or showing up?

Sometimes you discover:

• You are ready, but fear is loud.
• You are not ready because something real needs to be in place (rest, money, support, information, or healing).

Both are important truths.

3. Reframe “Uncomfortable”

Uncomfortable doesn’t automatically mean:

• Wrong
• Unsafe
• Proof you’re failing

Uncomfortable might simply mean:

• You’re doing something new
• You care about the outcome
• You’re stretching your self-concept

You get to ask:

• What exactly was uncomfortable about that?
• Was I out of alignment with my values—or just outside my habits?
• What did I learn?

4. Practice Making Small Decisions

If decisions feel heavy, start small:

• Choose what to eat, wear, or watch with the intention: “I am practicing deciding.”
• Afterward, consciously name:
  • What you liked
  • What you learned
  • How that decision served you, even if it wasn’t perfect

This builds a track record of:

“I choose → I learn → I grow → I can choose again.”

5. Celebrate Growth, Not Just Outcomes

We rarely pause to:

• Celebrate getting back up after we fall
• Honor the courage it took to choose in the first place
• Recognize the inner shifts (clarity, boundaries, self-knowledge) that came from a decision

Regularly ask:

• Where have I already grown?
• Where did I show up, even if it was messy?
• What am I proud of in how I handled this?

Celebration reinforces self-trust far more than constant self-critique.

6. Curate a Supportive Community

You want people who:

• Ask, “Do you want my perspective?” before offering it
• Reflect what they see without making it mean something about your worth
• Support your discernment, not your dependence

And ideally, that community is:

• Diverse in perspective (not just an echo chamber of “you’re right”)
• Grounded in mutual respect rather than hierarchy

---

The Power of Conscious Decisions

Reactive, default, or avoidant “non-decisions”:

• Erode your sense of agency
• Make life feel like it’s just “happening to you”
• Rob you of the chance to learn from your own choices

Conscious decisions:

• Do involve risk—there are no guarantees you’ll love every outcome
• But they give you something priceless:
  • The ability to say, “I chose this with the information and self-awareness I had at the time.”
  • The power to ask, “What do I want to choose next?”

You can’t learn from decisions you never truly made.
You can grow from every decision you consciously own.

---

You Are the Only One Who Knows What’s Loving for You

No coach, no mentor, no parent, no partner—no matter how loving—can:

• Know what is most aligned for you in this moment
• Tell you what your values should be
• Decide what level of risk is right for your body, your history, your nervous system, your life

They can offer:

• Perspective
• Tools
• Reflections
• Support

But only you can decide.

My work as a coach is not to:

• Make decisions for you
• Push you into a “yes”
• Pretend I know what’s “right” for your life

My work is to:

• Ask the questions that help you see your own wisdom
• Help you untangle fear, conditioning, and external pressure from your true desires
• Support you in building the resilience to keep getting back up, again and again, as you grow

If you want support doing that work more quickly and with more companionship, I’m here for that. When we get on a call, the goal isn’t to convince you; it’s to help you make a decision that genuinely fits you—whether that’s working with me or not.

In the meantime, consider this your invitation:

• Practice one conscious decision today (even if it’s really small)
• Name the value you’re honoring with it.
• And then notice: what does it feel like to stand in that choice?

You are not a mistake.
You are a human who can make choices, learn, grow, and choose again.
That is where your power lives.

LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE
#36 Allowing Space to Imperfectly Love Your Body and Yourself with Naomi Gottlieb-Miller

#23 How to Plan for the Future AND Enjoy the Present

#17 Learning to Trust Ourselves with Shelly Robinson

#14 Planting Seeds to Take Confident Action

Schedule a FREE Exploration Session

Create Your Flow Course

CONNECT WITH VALERIE:
Facebook
Instagram
Get email updates!
Work with Valerie!