Navigating Tough Conversations with Emotional Awareness

Valerie Friedlander 0:00
Hello my friends, and welcome to another episode of unlimited today I am talking about navigating tough conversations with emotional awareness. I honestly wasn’t going to do a podcast episode because this is scheduled to come out the day after the US election, and it’s a lot, it’s a lot right now. And I was kind of thinking, You know what, maybe we’re just gonna skip this and take the time off, because who is going to be listening to a podcast like this the day after the election? But you know what, while I had several friends suggest that that would be fine. I have been sitting with some thoughts, and really wanted to provide some level of support for anybody out there who might want this, whether it is the day it is released or later, there have been people that I follow who have shared some valuable insights that I wanted to kind of compile and pull into some of the insights that I was sharing in the workshop that I was offering about emotions and navigating our emotions in a way That is honoring without allowing it just kind of spray everywhere. So I am doing a podcast, and we’re going to talk about tips for tough conversations that I am pulling from a post by Blair Imani, and I will have links in the show notes, of course, engaging your stress response. So I’m pulling from other podcasts that I’ve done, particularly one about your stress language that I did very, very early in the beginning of this podcast, and tools to check in. I have some support tools that are free on my website that relate to these things that I will also reference you to and then the importance of interruption. You don’t have to be one of those people who can throw out facts left and right. And actually, that isn’t always helpful to just interrupt things. So I’ll talk more about that in the episode. I also want you to know that through December, I have opened up pay what you want coaching sessions. I will have a link to that in the show notes as well. This is important to me, because I know this is a period of high stress. We are not going to have answers anytime soon, in a variety of ways, we might have some answers, but not other answers, just a lot going on. It’s very stressful, and I know that even holiday season and New Year’s, there’s a lot to process, and discernment support is key. Whether we’re talking about discernment support, about what our plans are, about how we want to interact with family and friends and the people in our life and our society and all of those things. There’s just a lot. So if you are looking for some support to process something, make a decision, gain clarity, and you’re like, you know what a whole transformative coaching package is not for me right now, but I just need a little bit of help, and maybe don’t have the funds to invest in a lot of coaching. This is available for you. It is set up as a community pricing model, which means that if you have more, I invite you to pay more, and if you have less, then you pay less. So I hope that you will go check that out and sign up for a session, if that would feel supportive for you. And now, without further ado, let’s get started. Hey there. I’m Valerie Friedlander, Certified Life business alignment Coach. And this is unlimited. This podcast bridges the individual and the societal, scientific and spiritual, positive and negative, nerdy and no, there’s just a lot of nerdy. Come on board. And let’s unlock a life that’s as bad ass as you are.

My thought with this episode is to pull together a few resources that I think may be helpful as We navigate this period in our country in our lives that has a lot of impact. And I’m going to start with four tips that Blair Imani, founder of smarter in seconds on Instagram shares I have linked to the Instagram in the show notes, as well as to her book, read this together. Smarter about race, class, gender, disability, and more, really, really awesome resources. So definitely check those out. I’m going to share these tips and a little bit about my thoughts around them, and then we’ll dig into some layers that go into how we show up to these things, as she mentions, these tips can be helpful when you’re in circumstances where you’re able to start from a place of mutual respect and account for your personal safety, which is really key if you are unsafe or engaging with someone who does not have respect for you and your lived experiences. You may want to take a different approach, and we’ll speak to that in the next section. So for here, the first mistake that people make when they try and engage difficult conversations is making assumptions. Our brains love patterns, and so we tend to connect dots, and we don’t even always realize that we’re making assumptions when we’re making assumptions. So the counter to that is engaging curiosity. So what she says is, don’t assume you know more than the other person. Don’t assume you know what they believe or why they believe it instead ask which will help you learn something new about them and even find better ways to get through to them or successfully communicate your perspective. So that is her recommendation. And really it is about engaging conversation. It is seeing them as a full human being with lived experience that inclines them to believe whatever it is that they are believing, and it may not be related to the specific thing, but there’s always something underlying it. There’s reason there’s there’s something underlying, and it’s true for them as much as is for us. So getting curious and actually looking to connect, versus jumping in and assuming which ties to the next mistake that she mentions, which is trying to change minds. She says, If your goal is to change someone’s mind, it’s pretty much impossible to know whether you reached that goal. Even if you do change someone’s mind, they probably won’t admit it anyway. Instead, simply speak to share, offer perspectives and break through the echo chamber. This is something I’m going to talk a little bit more about later, when we talk about interrupting things, but when we engage with someone, to respond versus to understand. This is where we jump in and we stop listening, we make assumptions and we judge so we block our ability to get curious. We block our ability to connect. So coming in with that assumption. And this is hard not to do when you know someone is engaging in a way that suggests certain beliefs and reasons for believing. We tend to jump in. And I have absolutely done this. I have very strong feelings about various things, and it’s difficult when you know someone is approaching something in a different way, not to take on that kind of fight mode and think that I’m coming in to either get you to, you know, get you to change, really, to make you different than you are. And a lot of these things, our beliefs get very much tied to our identities, and that’s part of that fixed mindset of like, I am what I think if I made a mistake, then I am a mistake. You can know differently, and it doesn’t necessarily change the impact that that has on you when it happens, and so we shut down when we feel attacked. And so we can know, oh, I made a mistake. I’m not a mistake, but if that has been part of our conditioning, we’re still going to feel attacked when it’s brought in front of us, and I’ve noticed this myself when I have gotten corrected, and I had this happen the other day on a call where someone invited me to approach something differently, and I could feel my nervous system get kind of worked up like, Oh, I’ve just been chastised. And that was totally not the approach that was taken. It was really just an invitation, but I felt my nervous system shift. I felt adrenaline shoot through my system, and this kind of shut down mode happening, and because I’ve done so much work around it, I could watch it happen, or kind of sit with it happening, breathe into it. It and allow it to dissipate, knowing that feelings aren’t facts. It’s information about my experience and not necessarily what is true in this situation. And for me in that instance, it was an invitation to notice the energy that I was coming in with, where I was approaching things, and what I was bringing so that I could take a breath and pause and check in and recalibrate for myself. And that’s hard that it’s taken years of work on my part. This is like what I do. So just knowing that while we might have that kind of activation, other people have that too, and when we judge that as well, you’re wrong. So you shouldn’t feel that way. Or somehow you’re justified, or it’s justified in in having that feeling, while there’s a reason for having that feeling, making it into like a software like you, it’s justified for you to hurt that is going to cause a wedge. It’s not going to create connection. So being able to hold space for someone’s emotional self, their stress reaction, giving a little bit more space will also allow them some room, or the opportunity to show up to the conversation. Now that doesn’t mean that they will. You may notice the shutdown happen, and then the digging in happen, and that can be more information to go, Okay, this, this conversation needs to take a pause. We need to step back. This isn’t the time to keep going, rather than, Oh, I got them. Let me dig in further right, like so we do need to be mindful of that and also recognizing that all of this takes a lot of emotional labor. So knowing what your capacity is to showing up to this can also help inform what you want to do, how far you want to engage, maybe inviting us. Hey, let’s take a break. Let’s come back to this. If they are showing up to that conversation, you can express appreciation for them showing up to the conversation. And I’m gonna go back to the third thing, because I can keep going on this, and I have more coming up about the emotional processing, but Okay, the third one that she mentions is the mistake of forgetting to add your personal story. So like I just did, where I said, Hey, I have a personal story. Providing a personal story can be powerful, because then you’re also connecting again on a human level. Now with that, you know, this is a way she says, Remember that a relatable or compelling story can build empathy. She also reminds and this is really important to invite that conversation. So what I usually think of it is like getting buy in. Basically, it’s something I do in coaching, where I ask first, so that might look like May I share a different view? May I share an experience that I’ve had that is different than yours? Would you be willing to hear a different story? So inviting them to say yes, can make a difference in their ability. They’re opening that door, it’s kind of like, Can I come in? And if you just barge in, they’re gonna be like, No, get out. If they open the door and say, Yes, you can come in, then there’s more willingness to connect. There’s that invitation to connect on another way. So this is where we can build empathy. Now it’s important, of course, to be aware of if someone is disregarding your lived experience, denying your lived experience, telling you your lived experience is wrong. That is an issue. The flip side of that is the same thing on your end. This is again, where we get curious instead of making assumptions, oh, you misunderstood that. Oh, you’re wrong. Like shutting those things down. A lot of what I do is acknowledging what someone is saying, acknowledging the feelings that they have. And you can validate feelings without validating facts, right? So we talk about feelings aren’t facts. Feelings are information about someone’s experience of life, usually relates to our values. So you can validate that someone had a feeling, or is having a feeling without saying you are right, or that feeling is coming from a place of truth in the world, you can acknowledge the feeling without agreeing with the perception that they’re having that is creating that feeling, this feeds really well into the fourth mistake, which is disagreeing on everything. She says, try to find at least some common ground, as long as you’re not compromising your values. It can literally be anything from, hey, we’re both people, aren’t we? Or we’re having a conversation right agreement can help tone things down and make it more comfortable and respectful experience. If you can’t find at least one thing to agree on in the conversation, it’s unlikely to be productive, even if the goal isn’t to agree. So that’s what she says there. And one of the things that can be a space of agreement is that somebody is having a feeling. It sounds like you are feeling this way. It makes sense that you’d be feeling this way if you are perceiving this, or if you are experiencing this. That’s not saying that this is true, but it is saying that, hey, I see you. I recognize this. This is a feeling. Now again, that doesn’t mean that they are going to show up with that kind of energy. And it may be that the emotional labor needed to stay present in a conversation like that, or the respect that isn’t present in a conversation like that may need a different approach, and it may mean that this is not a conversation to have again, as she mentions, it is important to engage when you’re able to start from a place of mutual respect and account for your personal safety. Your personal safety in a conversation is key. I will say it is important to differentiate between your personal safety and how you’re experiencing the situation. So sometimes we can feel the stress of a situation, we can feel the emotions that are uncomfortable, and we may have a story that when something is uncomfortable it means that we are unsafe, and that’s not necessarily true. Sometimes things are uncomfortable because we’re conditioned to behave in a certain way, or to shut down, or for our freeze response to activate such that we don’t engage or interrupt things like for example, if you are a white woman, we are conditioned to go silent for Our freeze response to activate so that we don’t disrupt racism as an example. So that usually comes from that sense of being unsafe, so we shut down. But what is really unsafe is what’s being said and the fact that it is being allowed to be normalized by our silence. To that end, interrupting can make a huge difference, because it denormalizes I’m trying to think is that, is that a word denormalizes it. It basically interrupts whatever was said as being okay, being normal, and it doesn’t have to come from a place of I’m going to give you all this information, and I’m going to tell you why you’re wrong and all of that. Not all of us are good at accessing that kind of information right away. Sometimes it’s difficult, especially if our brains shut down on us when we feel stress. So that’s part of the freeze response. But where we can interrupt the freeze response is just to say something to interrupt it. We don’t have to be like, that’s wrong, and here’s why, we can actually seek to build the relationship by acknowledging that what was said is uncomfortable, and we can talk more about that later. Right now, I just need to take a moment because that what you just said was really upsetting, and it is still an invitation. It creates discomfort around what was said, instead of allowing it to stay comfortable, I did a really amazing workshop with Amina Chaudhary, who was a guest on this podcast a while back, called The Art of interrupting racism. And that was one of the big things that I took away from that workshop with her, was really just that, like, I don’t have to have all the answers. Sometimes I would shut down. I wouldn’t say anything, because I thought, Well, I’m not going to be able to argue effectively. And what I took away from that is I don’t have to argue effectively. I can actually build a relationship. And part of that is acknowledging my experience that’s part of a relationship. So. Do have a resource on my resources page about things to say. Not all of these are appropriate for all situations, but I put it together from something that I received years ago in a 12 step meeting, and I broke it down differently and kind of changed things up from it, but I loved having this little pocket reminder of like things that I could say to give myself space to make a decision, or to even just interrupt something that I couldn’t handle right then, so you can interrupt something and kind of call it out without continuing that conversation, you could take some space. So for example, some of the responses are that’s interesting. I never thought of it that way. I will think about what you said. So that’s when we don’t necessarily need to interrupt something. When a decision is being asked, you can say it’s a possibility. Let me get back to you, or I need to look into a few things first. When do you need to know by so basically allowing some room now, this is where the interruption can come in, of like, when you just can’t right now, this is really painful for me, or what you just said is really painful for me. I need to stop you. This is about all I can handle right now. Let’s talk more later. My brain is on overload. I need time to think about this. Let me get back to you later. So varying levels of engagement or interruption, and of course, if it’s more personal and it’s not something that maybe is a systemic I need to interrupt this. I need to call this forward. It can be like just, I’m dealing with family, and the dynamics are stressful, so I need to go use the bathroom. We’ll talk more later. So it just gives you an out to kind of process and decompress.

So that’s already a lot of information. I recognize that I want to give you a reminder about a few tools, but I’m also going to have links to some podcast episodes and to some resources that I have in the show notes. If you want to go deeper than just these reminders, when I talk about giving space to decompress, what are we doing there? So like, what does it look like to process stress? So these are just some quick reminders of approaches it can help when you know what typically works for you, because when our brains are in overload, when we’re in our stress response, we don’t always have access to what we really need to support us. So when we have it set up ahead of time, we can just go to that we don’t have to make another decision. Because again, when we’re processing a lot, we’re talking about processing a lot of emotional energy, doing a lot of emotional labor, we have less energy for the mental labor of decision making. So creating preset decisions can help. For example, when you’re going to go deal with family that you may have some tension with or stressful interactions with, presetting up with a friend. Hey, I may need to give you a call. When are you going to be around someone that you can talk to? If processing out loud is helpful for you, if not having a journal, maybe having something on hand that you can read, maybe going out for a walk, I have a stress language quiz that you may find helpful to identify what is a good go to, and it walks you through some things that you might do to help yourself and support yourself, processing through the stress and that activation that’s happening so that you can then come back into a conversation or make a decision related to that that is going to be supportive for you. I like to note here that emotions are input from experience, but they also tend to be feedback loops that affirm an experience, especially when they’re not initially acknowledged, processed and addressed, and of course, when they are suppressed, they can wreak havoc in our systems. So as an example, when you’re feeling anxiety, when you’re feeling a lot of stress, it’s normal for you to have digestive issues, something going on with your gut, because our brains and our bodies talk to each other, I know that when I feel particularly stimulated, whether it is with excitement or nervousness, I can feel that vibration in my body, and that vibration needs to move through me and go to ground, as it were, if we’re thinking about like an electrical charge in your system. But. Bring it to ground. So to interrupt the feedback loop that we tend to get into with our emotions, knowing that our hormones go about two minutes to 18 hours and we in our ability to regulate and engage the situation will also determine how quickly we navigate through versus getting stuck, kind of ruminating and repeating. So the process for engaging in emotion is naming it, locating its resonance in your body, observing it, finding a way to dissipate it, and then questioning it, engaging it, what was the story, what was happening there? What are the dynamics of that? What activated that? Because that’s where we can really kind of get into, what are the loops that are happening? And this is not to say that that emotion, again, isn’t valid, because sometimes there is actual danger when we get activated. So knowing that or recognizing when that danger is rooted in past experiences. So maybe it’s a trauma response, being able to engage that and knowing what supports you might want to reach out to, whether it is a therapist to navigate the trauma response, or a coach to navigate some of the patterns and how that’s playing out in your life, having that awareness can be really helpful. So some of the support tools that you can tap into for that dissipation, looking at a spiritual processing that might look like meditating, being outside, or even just watching silly cat videos, something that’s completely separate and outside of what you were processing. So just to kind of even step away first, it might be physically resting, exercising, dancing, something really embodied, where you’re tapping into moving your body. Could be emotionally so again, like having that friend you can call to vent, to crying, writing, journaling and just getting it all out onto paper. Mentally, you might be researching, brainstorming, generating ideas for collective action, for what you’ll do, regardless of what happens, how you might engage the world and your work and your friends and family. Just that thinking piece, the analysis piece, the dump it all out cognitively. Piece. So I’ll link in the show notes to that episode where I dig into each one, as well as to the freebie on my resources page that has a link to the quiz and all of that. If that would be something that you would feel helpful. The other tool that I’m going to give you is basically five steps to center in call it a pinky process, pause. Allow yourself space if breathing helps you, and not everybody resonates with breathing practices, but if breathing practices are helpful to you. Take a deep breath into your belly, let it out slowly, roll your shoulders back, bring attention to your body, to anything that feels tense and tight and constricted, and breathe into that part of your body, allowing it to open eyes for insight, checking in with yourself, that insight into you. What are you feeling? So, going back to that feeling practice, name it, where are you feeling it, what’s happening in your body, what unrelated factors might be influencing your perception. Like to look at that hungry, angry, lonely, tired, in pain, any of those things that might be influencing your ability to see possibilities and options for yourself. N is for noticing your narrative, checking in with the interpretation that you have about the situation. So remembering feelings aren’t facts. They are information about your experience of a situation, of a dynamic, of a circumstance, of yourself. So looking at what is the story that you’re telling about the feeling that you’re having, because sometimes our brain picks up something, it goes, Oh, this is like this, all right. Fire off the hormones, and then we have a feeling, and then it’s the feeling that we notice first. That we then tell the story about, oh, my body just constricted. My shoulders hunched up. There must be danger somewhere. I’m talking to this person. It must be them, right? Like it could be some story that you’re telling about, the experience that you’re having, the feeling that’s happening, noticing that can then allow you to notice what’s really happening underneath it. As an example, I had a client who would start questioning herself, start feeling like an imposter, when she would be in a conversation and we’d look at, okay, well, what happens in that conversation that that story activates and she realized it’s when that person that she’s talking to starts looking around, seems distracted, and it could be that that person has ADHD, it could be that that person has other things on their mind. It could be there’s so many ways of understanding that her brain would notice it, and she would feel the tension or the disconnect that was happening between her and that other person, and that interpretation would be that she wasn’t being seen as valid or valuable.

So we interrupted that with a question of, Hey, is everything okay? How are you understanding what I’m saying? So engaging that person reconnecting, versus telling the story and shutting down, so noticing the narrative. The next is k, for knowledge. Know what is important to you and what you need. So this can go back to understanding your stress language, and what I didn’t mention was the stress language. Knowing your stress language and understanding the dynamics of stress language, you may also be able to notice the stress language of the person that you’re interacting with, and when that goes off and what they’re seeking, kind of like love languages. I dig further into it in that episode. So check that out, if that would be helpful for you. And so knowing what you need, what matters to you, in the situation, in the relationship, where are you making assumptions? Where could you get curious? What else could be true, at least two other possibilities, if you can generate those, even just looking for other possibilities helps expand your perception. And then, of course, what would help you get more clarity? And then finally, why you choose with your more open perspective and choices, what action feels most aligned with the relationship that you want to create. So consciously choose the action that you’re going to take in that moment and learn from it. Finally, I want you to know that it is normal to lose your cool. You’re human. Give yourself some grace with this, especially in the heightened stress of this time, give yourself more space, more rest, and know that it’s normal to need that and to check in more. Finally, especially as it relates to this election season, if you find you are reacting strongly to new information, pause. That is, again, those emotions are indication of pausing. A lot of misleading information is crafted to spark confusion or strong emotions. There’s a whole article on NPR talking about that. I will link it in the show notes. And similarly, when information aligns too closely with your pre beliefs, the things you already agree with and believe. It’s important to take a moment to verify it, rather than just sharing it out. We have a desire to see our beliefs reflected back to us. It gives us that recognition and that sense of belonging, and so it’s really easy to agree with something that reinforces our world view, even if it’s not true. Now that’s not to say it’s not true, but it is a cue. It is a reminder to slow down. Check your sources. Check multiple sources. Be careful with images and videos and audios, because they can be manipulated. And remember it may take a while for us to know a full picture, so take a pause. Do whatever practices feel supportive for you. Reach out. It is so important that we are doing our own work, to be able to engage and connect in a healthy way, to be able to create the world that we want to see, to be able to feed into our communities, into our relationships, in a way that is generative and that builds what we are trying to create. Not just thinking big, big, big picture, but internally. How are we creating? What are we creating within our families, within our family systems, within our community, as Shanika Moore Clark, MSW, Li CSW, of the healing vibe, posted a few days ago, activism work without shadow work means we will likely unknowingly project our unresolved issues onto others or the causes we are fighting for and perpetuate the very dynamics we seek to change. So make sure that you are doing your work to stay centered so that you can show up into the spaces that you can, that you are called to, that are available to you and feed into the world the change that you want to see in it, how We engage, the energy that we show up with makes a difference. And finally, if you want support, if you are looking for someone who can help you, sift through all of the learned limitations, all of the stuff that keeps us from showing up in that way, addressing the patterns in our life so that we can engage in a more aligned way. That’s what I’m here for. And I do have some Pay What You Can community price sessions that are available. So I encourage you to sign up if it’s something that would feel supportive for you, and I will talk to you all next time, thanks for listening. I so appreciate you being here. If you got something out of today’s episode, please share it, leave me a review, take a screenshot and post it on social with a shout out to me. Send it to a friend or you know, all of the above. Want to hang out more, join me on Instagram, or, better yet, get on my mailing list to make sure you don’t miss out on anything, and remember your possibilities are as unlimited as you are. Allow yourself to shine, my friend, the world needs your light. See you next time you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai