What’s Killing My Motivation?

Valerie Friedlander 0:00
Hello, my friends and welcome to another episode of unlimited today we are talking about what’s killing my motivation? And of course the follow up question to that, which is, how do I fix it. This is something that a lot of clients come to me with because they’re feeling stuck. That’s usually when they’ve reached out there saying, I feel stuck, I’m not sure what to do, I want this thing, but I don’t know how to get it, I don’t know what I need to do, I thought I knew what I needed to do. But yet, I’m still not doing the things. Sometimes their stories around laziness, which we talked about in the last episode around productivity and the issues around laziness. And honestly, even when I was doing research for this episode, I came across a health line article that said how to overcome laziness or how to stop being lazy. And I was like, God, y’all, we need to stop it with this, because here’s the thing, any of these shaming tactics, and maybe they don’t come off as shaming, maybe they come off as warm and fuzzy and like helpful and supportive, initially, where they’re like, Oh, you just need to think about it differently. And it’ll be better are often ignoring the real dynamics and our social structure. Because the thing is, our society is based on this Uber individualistic structure that’s rooted in patriarchy, and white supremacy. And essentially, this idea of domination, I’m going to get into that a little bit more later, but that structure will kill your motivation. So I would like to put forward this idea that perhaps the reason that you feel stuck isn’t due to some internal deficiency or internal problem in the way that you perceive the world, but actually, more of a subconscious rebellion against toxic societal norms. And so trying to then impose more of that on yourself isn’t actually gonna work terribly well for any kind of sustained motivation. So we’re gonna look at this, we’re going to look at, like, what are all of these stories that we tell ourselves that actually are killing motivation. And, you know, a lot of the reasons that people say that they think they’re having a problem is, you know, they don’t know the right thing to do, they must have a mindset issue, they need to get more organized, more disciplined, manage their time, better, you notice some of these themes of like, just that control that need to manage yourself. And, again, maybe some truth to that, but there’s surface issues, there’s a reason that those exist. And so often, we just tackle these surface issues and like, just try and give new strategies and new tactics and tips and like, just do this and use this planner and do this thing. And the reason that you’re struggling is deeper than that. So that’s what we’re gonna look at in this episode, we’re gonna look at those deeper issues that may be killing your motivation. And we’re gonna talk about some solutions to re energize taking action. And yes, there are some structural dynamics that we’re dealing with. So with acknowledgement of that, and acknowledgement of the structures that we live in, they’re still things that you can do so it is possible, as I’ve asserted many times, as bad guests, it is possible to recognize that we’re functioning in certain structures, and in gauged those structures to create change as an individual recognizing that part of the structural issue is that we’re too individualistic. Okay, anyway, so some of the things we’re talking about in this episode are beliefs about motivation that sabotage you understanding what motivation actually is, which can help you engage differently so you get out of stuck? What’s wrong with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, if you’re not familiar with it, it is one of the core things that we tend to point to and go Okay, this is what’s going on with motivation. So it’s often used in motivational talks, we’re gonna talk about that. patterns of confidence and self doubt in compassionate people. Because those play together lots of fun, and check ins to increase your motivation to do the things you say you want to do. Lots to cover here. Very exciting. So without further ado, let’s get started.

Valerie Friedlander 4:49
Hey there, I’m Valerie Friedlander, certified life business alignment coach, and this is unlimited. This podcast bridges the individual and the societal, scientific and spirit All positive and negative, nerdy and no, there’s just a lot of nerdy, come on board and let’s unlock a light, that’s as badass as you are.

Valerie Friedlander 5:17
I’d like to start off with the acknowledgement that my industry, the life coaching industry, which is an unregulated industry, and I do talk about that in one of my very first episodes about what is life coaching, but also the psychological field in general. So psychology, therapy, self help, personal development, leadership, like all of that stuff, has historically been rooted in white supremacy, and patriarchal norms. So I’ve been personally doing a lot of work because well, I have a long history of doing personal development work, both in study, and in practice, and I have certifications and all of that sort of stuff. There’s a lot of unlearning to be done, even with the benefits of all of those things. And I might even say, especially with all of that, now, not all of my study and background have been in euro centric models. However, it’s impossible not to internalize the dynamics of a society that you live in. I’ve talked about this a lot. So I’m not going to go into details with all of that. But I want to acknowledge that. Because as I was digging into this, I mean, a lot of a lot of my industry’s way of supporting people and achieving their goals is about helping people function optimally within a toxic structure. So I laugh, because it’s like, ah, a lot of this is about unpacking how we do things, and being able to do things differently, and recognizing that we only have so much control. So what do we have control over? And how do we function optimally within what we can control while also not optimizing to the point of ignoring toxic structures. Hopefully, all that makes sense. But it’s something that came up a lot as I was digging into researching around this episode. So we’re going to talk a little bit about that. But that’s always my core focus both in what I share on this podcast, but also the work that I do, meeting people where they’re at, and then engaging some of these things that are internalized that may be contributing. So like I said, in the beginning of this episode, that perhaps some of the reason the stuck is there, it’s not just about overcoming your own personal stuff. It’s about acknowledging that the personal stuff may be coming up because of some of the structures and rather than trying to handle them better, how do we shift them as individuals and as part of a society? So as I’ve mentioned, as you know, probably from listening to this, I’m a bit of a word nerd. So I dug into first and foremost, what is motivation? Because people think of it when when we’re talking about it, when they come to me people are thinking about it usually is like a feeling that I want to feel motivated to do stuff. And maybe if I felt more motivated, I would do stuff for that sort of thing. And so there’s this sense that it’s an energy and excitement, a readiness, and oftentimes, like I purposeful ness, a certainty. That’s tied to clarity, which is one of the things that can block motivation is where there’s lack of clarity. However, certainty is also an issue because that hesitation, anytime you’re like trying to figure stuff out, or you want to do something, maybe you’re excited about it, but then you hesitate. biologically speaking, that hesitation, sends a signal to the brain that there could be dangerous like, you automatically paused and your brain goes, Oh, that means there’s a caution sign, which Hey, maybe there is a caution sign, but then it feeds into that means there’s potential danger. So we should go away from that, versus that means there’s potential danger at let’s take a look around and check out what’s going on so that we can then take appropriate action and keep moving forward. While being aware that there’s potential danger. Oftentimes, that shift of oh there’s danger here means that we create a block to taking action so that’s, you know, the personal internal thing that can kill motivation. And then we create a cycle of that of like, well, I can’t do that or I get disappointed when I engage that so then I don’t take action. So going into the definition, motivation is The act or process of giving someone a reason for doing something, it’s that condition of being eager to act. So that excitement, having a motive purposefulness, which would be like a need or desire to act. And so ultimately, all of this relates to acting. So if you think about the word motivation, motivate would be you know, relating to motion or causing movement. So what motivates you is what causes movement. So within that, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a feeling, it’s something that causes movement. Now, feelings have a large impact on our actions. So naturally, a feeling a desire to move forward and excitement and energy. A purposefulness is going to help you take action, but it is not quired. And when we have that, pause, that hesitation that then feeds into, oh, there could be something going on here, then we have the cycle of self doubt, kick in, and we stop. We’ll dig into that a little bit more in just a bit. But there are two core types of motivation that people think about, there’s extrinsic, so inspired by outside forces, other people pushing or motivating you, and rewards. So you did a good job, you get a reward, like I want the reward. So I’m going to take the action, and intrinsic inspiration that comes from within. So a love of doing a connectedness to your identity, and who you believe that you are, intrinsic motivation tends to be stronger and more fulfilling. And the other thing that I noticed is that intrinsic, tends to be rooted in a process of feeling related to the action that one is taking versus simply a outcome that one is hoping for. So that’s something to note when you’re thinking about what motivates you. And this is something that I talked about is like when I talk about visioning, it’s getting clarity, not just on what you want in the future, but what you want in the present, who do you want to be what connects to you, because when your actions connect to the person that you want to be, and how you want to experience life, when you have that alignment, and I use the word alignment a lot, it makes it easier to take action, there is a ease in feeling motivated, even when there is self doubt, even when there is that hesitation. Because if the movement itself is aligned, there’s going to be more energy in taking the action versus if it’s this external attachment to outcome. And if you’ve had incidents where you were attached outcome, and it didn’t work out the way you expected, and you were disappointed, that can then feed into a fear or the potential danger that that hesitation triggers. And then your brain likes patterns and likes to connect dots, it goes, Oh, this reminds me of that time that we did the thing. And we were really disappointed. And then you beat yourself up about it. And that felt really bad. And all of this is very painful, and we don’t want to do it. And all of that is happening in your subconscious, which is naturally going to kill your motivation. So when it’s that outcome, it’s a potential future thing that might not go the way you anticipated versus a connection to the action that hey, maybe it doesn’t go exactly the way I’m hoping it will. But I felt good about what I did, you’ll have that different sense of motivation. So I think that’s where the extrinsic and intrinsic motivations differ. And the reason why the intrinsic is stronger, more fulfilling. It’s not just about what other people say, it’s about your own experience of life. So as I was doing research on this and kind of exploring Okay, well what do other people say is motivating. I came across a Psychology Today article that talked about you know, the basics around motivation. It talked about extrinsic and intrinsic and stuff, and then it referenced Abraham Maslow who wrote the theory of human motivation, so naturally, that’s a that was referenced and The hierarchy of needs, which basically said and this is from 1943, it basically said we are inherently motivated to better ourselves and move progressively forward from fundamental needs such as food and safety. So we have a motivation for food and safety, those basic needs that survival needs to self actualization. And eventually, he went into, you know, this idea of self transcendence. So moving beyond the self. So there’s an issue with this, if you listen to my episode on toxic positivity, you will probably recognize some of what I’m going to say, which is, that idea that our needs are a pyramid. And that self transcendence is like the ideal, it’s the top of the pyramid, that’s where we’re trying to get to, because that is the preferred way of being, which means that all those basic needs are well, they’re basic, so they’re not as important we want to transcend the self. Is there a benefit to being able to see beyond yourself and and think in the big picture and be in that spiritual leaf focused place? Yeah, sure. But it’s not at the exclusion of the self. And the experience of being human said this. A lot of times, you know, we are spiritual beings having a human experience, we need to honor the human experience part of this versus putting the spiritual on a pedestal. So in reading this, in this article, I was reminded of something that I’d seen on Instagram and I, you know, as much as social media has got its issues, and there’s plenty of stuff that can lead you down rabbit holes, and kill your motivation and all of that. I have really appreciated some of the learning that I’ve had the opportunity to do by following people on Instagram. And a while back, I remembered seeing something pop up. And unfortunately, I don’t remember who posted it. It was a while back, but there was a conversation going on around Maslow’s hierarchy, having been appropriated from a native tribe. And so I googled that I was like, Okay, well, I remember there’s a thing here and I feel like I feel like their stuff. So let’s look at that and I found an article on Buffalo’s fire, which is an independent digital news site created by Jodie rave spotted bear who is the founder and director of the indigenous media freedom Alliance. In this article, it talks about the Blackfoot origins of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. And, you know, it addresses some of the discussions of appropriation and misrepresentation and that sort of thing. But what the author focuses in on is where Maslow got this idea in the first place and the experience that he had living with the Blackfoot tribe, to develop this idea. And of course, unsurprisingly, Mao’s love came into living with his tribe with the theory that social hierarchies are maintained by dominance, but found a society that had cooperation, minimal inequality, restorative justice, and high satisfaction. And so this influence this idea that self actualization or the desire to become everything that one is capable of becoming, is really what what we want from seeing this community that had much greater life satisfaction than the community that he came from. It’s a great article on of course, I will have a link in the show notes for you to check it out. But what I noticed within this, and this is what motivated me to want to bring this into the conversation as well as you know, noticing how we’ve structured things his Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, is focused on the individual. And this idea of achievement of self actualization, this idea that becoming everything that one is capable of becoming is something that you earn that you work for that again, in that pyramid structure, whereas the Blackfoot tribe and many other tribes, are rooted in the idea that we arrive self actualized that self actualization is innate. And the next piece of that is community actualization. So in this structure, wealth was not measured by money, but by generosity. the wealthiest of the tribe had almost nothing thing to do with money because they had given it all away, because what you did was you as you accumulated things, then you all come together and distribute it according to need. So it’s not the whole idea of poverty and basic needs as something that needs to be met first, and then we kind of move up the ladder to the self actualization wasn’t a thing. So like I talked about in the episode about internalized beauty standards, it just emphasized to me this need to unlearn these structures, these hierarchical structures is so ironic to me, I mean, appropriate, but like that it’s a hierarchy of needs. And that’s supposedly what motivates us. But then again, recognizing and looking at that structure makes sense when you are in a hierarchical society, a society with that ladder mentality and that hierarchical structure versus a communal structure, where basic needs ensuring safety, creating the conditions for the expression of purpose is a community responsibility versus an individual responsibility. So Dr. Cindy Blackstock is the one who put together a pyramid structure to kind of compare with so we have that you know, that Western perspective of the hierarchy of needs being you know, the physiological needs, safety needs, belongingness and love needs, esteem needs, need to know and understand ascetic needs self actualization, and then self transcendence. That’s the pyramid of mass love, the First Nations perspective would be more self actualization is at the Foundation, then community actualization, then cultural perpetuity, so like carrying the culture forward, but really, it’s more of a concentric circle model that honors us as a whole beings that engage the cognitive, physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, which is where that idea of being a holistic person and honoring a holistic being is rooted. So thinking about like, Okay, well, what motivates me, as I mentioned in the last episode on productivity, it’s about honoring those different areas of your life, and the things that drain you so that you can support yourself? Would it be nice if we lived in a more communally supportive society? Yes. Is that something that I hope that we are all striving for? And then it’s part of the way we engage? Yes, absolutely. It’s certainly something that I’m thinking a lot more about, and considering how that fits within my own structures. And it also has me questioning some of the things that I’ve created before so in the episode, self control is not always the answer, I created a pyramid of support, which is about you know, self support, and, and how we, you know, prioritization, which, as we still live in this hierarchical, individualistic society does make sense. At the same time, I think it’s really important to have an awareness of the reason it looks that way. So taking that understanding and taking a look then at what of clients said, because I give a questionnaire when we first start working together, and one of the things I ask is What do you believe motivates you. And by far, the most common thing that people said was helping others being of service, problem solving, learning, making an impact, creativity. And then along those lines, it’s acknowledgement for doing the problem solving and helping recognition, they get excited about a potential outcome, achievement and results, starting something new, and money, which all of this actually makes a lot of sense, because, you know, you’ve got a mix of the extrinsic and intrinsic, like I mentioned before, and I tend to work with high achieving compassionate people. So naturally, there’s this desire to help other people. But we have this this toxic over arching thing in our society were helping other people. If there’s not a the communal component of that is missing. So naturally, we look to that exchange that, okay, I’m putting energy out there, but am I getting it back? And how do I get it back? Well, oftentimes, it’s through money, because that’s how our society is structured to function. So one of the other questions I ask is, when do you feel confident and the answer is helping others Ideas creativity, problem solving. When I see results and evidence of an impact people show or express that they found the help valuable and doing stuff I know well, so I was like, Oh gosh, this. This is fascinating. Because if you take a look at those things, those are the things that motivate them are the things that they also feel confident doing are the things that help them feel connected to other people, as I mentioned many times, our brains like patterns. So there is a very strong likelihood that the confidence and the motivation when those actions fit together, and they’re connected in some way, in the way we perceive ourselves and the impact of what we’re doing. If we’re not feeling confident, then naturally, we’re not going to feel motivated. And what would kill those things would be that disconnection, the disconnection from the communal sense of the process, you know, helping other people finding solutions, problem solving, being creative, the things that are them, and the way they are in the world. And what feels good to be able to do in connecting with people. And that’s when the self doubt creeps in. Because there’s that disconnect. Anytime that we’re like, oh, I have a purpose, I’m doing the thing, this is what I love to do. But something, there’s a disconnect that happens that hits the confidence, maybe it’s in a result, maybe it’s in a previous experience that our brains made a connection to, then we think, Oh, well, it kills our motivation, or confidence gets hit, or motivation gets hit, because those two are related. So the self doubt messages that people shared come up, I don’t have time, it’s too much work. I don’t know enough. I don’t know how someone is already doing better, my contribution doesn’t matter, I won’t be able to keep up, I’m going to hurt someone and ruin their life or my own life, or my kids or the person I want to help. And that fear of the potential danger, that doubt in your own abilities, that lack of support to be the person that you are all the stories that we take on all of the ways that we question ourselves, the imposter syndrome and the society that supports having imposter syndrome. Because if you have imposter syndrome, then you either won’t occupy a space that society doesn’t want you to or you’ll buy things to help you feel better about occupying that space. When does this come up? When I’m comparing with other people, disconnection leads to a sense, a greater sense of competition versus collaboration, right? You see a lot of that conversation going on. Going from exciting things to mundane tasks, there’s a lot more room for your brain to spin and question and play and some of those toxic absorbed stories. When you’re doing something that’s not involving your brain, you have a lot more space to doubt. And then the stories that we tell ourselves around the doubt itself. Like if I’m doubting, there must be something to doubt. Maybe, maybe not, maybe it’s just the habit, I don’t know, maybe worth looking at getting visible, being visible, you’re open to judgment, so much judgment in the society and you know, if you’re judging yourself, gosh, what are other people doing probably judging themselves too. But, you know, when I’m by myself, again, the brain spinning when bills are due, because hey, triggers money is a major trigger, because that is where the exchange lies for us to sustain ourselves. Because again, those Hierarchy of Needs if you know, you’re in a hierarchical society, and then the basic needs might not be met, then naturally that’s going to pull your attention those physical needs, and money is a key factor in that so anything that triggers that danger, when something goes differently than expected. And of course, that’s like a very that’s where we start telling stories about Oh, that didn’t go the way I thought it would. If you have a cycle around beating yourself up when something doesn’t go right. Or even, you know, telling yourself that it went wrong, is when if there’s a right there’s a wrong that will also drain your energy that self flagellation over what could I have done differently? What did I Where did I screw up? What did I pick wrong? Maybe I’m a bad picker, maybe I did this, that whatever. All of those things will naturally drain your motivation because they disconnect your confidence from what you want to do. And that disconnection has stories around it that say that there must be a problem here. And then people also experience it when they gain success, because entering a new space can be scary because you don’t know what to expect. And it could be again, pulling into, you know, all I might do something wrong, there might be danger here, because we don’t have that communal safety net, where we feel supported. So making a wrong move, quote, unquote, wrong move is much more dangerous when you feel like you’re alone in the decision making, when it’s an individualistic experience, and especially when you’re left to be caught up in your own head. So what do we do about this? Well, I mean, one of those things is being aware of the toxic stories and the toxic structures, because when you’re aware of it, and when it’s not a personal deficiency, that you beat yourself up over, it’s something that you can engage in a conscious way. So we can start to make change that is so critical for humanity to make change. So being aware of that, which is why included in this conversation, another pieces connect to values, when you know what’s important to you, you can build processes, you can build strategies, you can build plans that relate to that. So creating that intrinsic motivation, where what you do is aligned with your values, so that even if it does not go as anticipated, you know that you took action and alignment, and then you can assess what worked, what didn’t? And how do you maybe choose a different path while being aligned with the person that you want to be? So connecting to those values. Another is focus on something to create. So what are you trying to create in the world? What are you trying to create in your own life, versus avoiding something I saw this funny? A while I thought it was funny. post that was avoid procrastination, like, Oh my gosh, that’s, that’s the same energy though. Procrastination is avoidance. So avoid avoidance Yikes. No, not avoid avoidance, because then your focus is still on the avoidance. Now engaging the procrastination and what’s underneath the procrastination is different. That’s actually you know, engage the procrastination. So taking a look at that resistance can help you then create a plan that connects to your values and a way of executing that plan, executing the actions, doing the movement as it were, to navigate whatever the resistance is. So maybe it’s a block that is happening in the external world. So it’s something to navigate that you’re experiencing, tangibly, maybe it’s an internal something, maybe there’s a misalignment with the action that you’re taking, or even the goal that you’re striving for. There’s a should there, a lot of us have shoulds, we don’t even realize our shoulds we just think that they are that way. So you know, oh, I I should just I should have a purpose. Well, maybe you don’t feel purposeful right now, because you have been so burned out, by some of the ways that we’ve been told we’re supposed to do things that you are having trouble connecting to our purpose. Okay, so what would it take to give yourself some more space to rest so that you can then gain clarity? And so there’s misalignment there fear, the inner critic making assumptions about things, you know, our brains connecting dots in ways that don’t necessarily apply? Maybe they applied in one circumstance, but they don’t apply to your current circumstance. So those dots being connected, the fears, all of that self doubt, messaging and believing it instead of going okay, where’s this coming from? What’s going on with this? How true is it? What would I want to do with it? How could I test it, so engaging it in a conscious way, instead of trying to avoid it? Don’t, the avoidance is going to create more avoidance, so if you’re trying to move, avoiding is not going to be the the thing? clarity, this is, this is by and large, the thing to look at, and you’ll notice that everything that I invite you into is about exploring for clarity. Sometimes it’s really just having a clear plan to take action on and assess, to be able to say, Okay, I did these things. I wrote this much, and then I’m going to go back and look at the response. I’m going to go back and look how the process worked. So having that clarity can make a big difference in taking action. And feeling motivated to do something because you’re like, Okay, I have an experiment that I have set forward, it’s very clear, I’m going to do the thing. And then we can look at and go, Well, did you do that thing? No, then we look at resistance. If you did do the thing, then we look at how did that go? How aligned? Is it? What shifts are we going to make? Or what are we going to continue doing. And then, because we are overwhelmed with all of these toxic stories, and this push for productivity, need for rest, you may not feel motivated, because you need to rest. Like I mentioned before, sometimes it’s really hard to be able to see clearly when you are so deprived of rest and self connection. feeling confident, feeling motivated, is not going to happen if you’re too depleted. And this is where burnout happens. So this is where burnout happens both in our corporations, this is where burnout happens even when you’re an entrepreneur. Because again, we exist in a society that is full of these toxic norms, hierarchical structures, individualism, etc, etc. that make it so that we are more and more depleted, we don’t have the support systems, everything is much more risky, because we don’t have community. So need for rest is a big one. If you’re like, Okay, wow, this is that’s great. But I still want to do something. The biggest thing to remember from all of this is that motivation equals movement. So even if you don’t feel motivated, taking some sort of action, and then not telling stories to yourself about what it means, what does it all mean? Not telling those stories, and actually looking at it clearly, if you’re taking some action that is motivating, okay, action, movement, motivation. So maybe it’s not the movement that you were thinking you wanted to take, maybe it’s a different movement, maybe you address it, like maybe it was an action of thinking or create a program or come up with a marketing or do activity with your kid, or whatever it is, maybe it was that but maybe the action, the movement that you take, is to take a nap, or go for a walk, or have a good cry. Those are movement, too. So remember that you’re a holistic being, and it’s not just about producing something, movement is motivational. To wrap up, I had a call recently with a woman who contacted me specifically because of motivation, and not feeling motivated. And so just gonna give you a little inside look at what an exploration call looks like when it comes to this. And so what she said was she broke down her goals into what seemed like a reasonable timeframe. But then she didn’t follow through. And she keeps doing this. And that’s one of the strategies that people say a lot of times it’s just break them down into actionable reasonable chunks. And you know, these are the tools that you know, the tips and productivity things that are often given. But the problem with this is that if it doesn’t fit, the underlying reason that things aren’t happening, then you’re not gonna do it doesn’t matter how great the tip is. So recognizing that and then taking a look at Okay, so when do you get things done was usually last minute when she was frustrated with herself, or when she was having a particularly energized time when she could just blast through everything? Well, okay, you know, it’s interesting, because those are similar energies, that frustration you get that burst of energy to get things done. When you have energy already, you can get things done as this burst of energy. So with that is a good chance that our brain was making connection that this energy is what I need to do things so if that energy wasn’t present, create the circumstances that allow for that energy to happen. If it is present, then we can do things so there’s a subconscious equation happening. So one thing we talked about was like making notes on a calendar when does this energy burst happen when it was not generated by you due to last minute frustration and see what else might be going on that

Valerie Friedlander 39:41
supports that energy? You know, what is it something environmental, is there some thought or belief or feeling that’s happening there? Maybe it’s hormonal, but you know, looking into Is there a common pattern or trigger that can harness this energy, we also determined that her common trigger for procrastination is doing something where she needed to learn or try something new, especially when she was doing it by herself. That’s when her inner critic would start telling her that, oh, you’re not smart enough to protect you from this potential failure since you don’t know what you’re doing. So looking at that pattern, okay, here’s this something new, you’re not smart enough, this fear gets generated. And so naturally, there’s an avoidance that happens. So once we identify the pattern, then we can explore Okay, what do we do to shift this pattern? So I invited her to a couple questions to explore when that pattern shows up. If you believed that you were capable, because that thought is you’re not smart enough. So if you believed you were capable, and then instead of fear, you felt passionate, what would you do? What would help you feel more passionate, or fun doing the thing that you planned to do? So when we notice what that thought pattern is, that’s creating the depth of motivation? And in doing the thing, then we can explore Well, what would you do differently if those things were different? If that thought and feeling we’re different? And as I mentioned before, taking movement taking action, so what action would you take, if you believe this, and that’s where you get to, it’s not just taking contrary action, it’s actually going, Okay, there’s this action here, I’m taking this action, and I’m consciously thinking, Okay, I can do this. Now let’s see what happens. So you’re essentially using your brain to go, Okay, let’s prove something different. Right now the brain is functioning on a theory that it has of dots that it’s connected. So let’s try a new theory, let’s do a new experiment and see if the results are different or the same. Because that’s essentially what scientists would do, you don’t do one experiment, and then go up. Well, that’s it. And you also have to recognize that your theory can influence the way you do the experiment in the first place. So if we bring forward a different theory, and create some test opportunities, we might be able to prove something different. So benefits of flaws of science, and then create a process for checking in and support taking that action. So as I mentioned earlier, going, Okay, what worked? What didn’t? Did I do the thing if that didn’t work? What about it didn’t work? Did it not align with my values? Did it not align with what was actually enjoyable? And what would I like to try in this next experiment. So that’s what that exploration call looked like. And then I sent her an email with the outline of what we talked about, so that she can go forward. And whether or not we work together in the future, she has this structure to start taking movement, motivating, to get things going for herself. And that is always what I’m here to support you doing, meeting yourself where you’re at, and taking the next step, so that you are building the staircase that moves you to where you want to go, the impact that you want to have. And hopefully, even though we are living in an individualistic society, where we do take these actions, oftentimes, much more alone than we would like to be able to lean into building community and a support network for ourselves. I’m a huge advocate of having a support team, and building community, which is why I will often work in tandem with someone who has a therapist or who has a mastermind they’re working on or whatever. Because we do so much better when we work together. Oh look, I made a rhyme. So I hope this was helpful. I would love to hear what insights you take away from this episode. And be sure to tune in next week when we are talking about time and time management, which I have an issue with in terminology. As I’ll talk about next week, as I’m sure you’re not surprised. And if you enjoyed this episode, please share it with others and reach out and tell me your takeaways. I’d love to hear from you. If you would like support for yourself and you’d like to grab one of those exploration sessions so that we can dig in and get you moving. Then grab that spot on my calendar. There is a link in the show notes, and I will talk to you all next time.

Valerie Friedlander 44:47
Thanks for listening. I so appreciate you being here. If you got something out of today’s episode, please share it leave me a review, take a screenshot and post it on social with a shout out to me, send it to a friend or you know all above. Want to hang out more, join me on Instagram, or better yet, get on my mailing list to make sure you don’t miss out on anything. Remember, your possibilities are as unlimited as you are. Allow yourself to shine my friend. The world needs your light. See you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai