Where Do We Go From Here?

Valerie Friedlander 0:00
Hello, my friends and welcome to another episode of Mindset, unlimited. Mindset tips, tools and inspiration for a time of change. I’m your host. Valerie Friedlander, ICF, certified coach, sociologist, intersectional feminist, artist, mom and nerd. Today we are talking about, where do we go from here? Reflections on this podcast and the world now, I gotta admit, here’s a nerd part. When I put down what is this podcast episode gonna be titled? I’m like, where do we go from here? And the next thought is, where do we go from here? And if you know what, that’s from, you are also a Buffy nerd, because that’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which was a favorite show so many years ago, anywho. That’s not what this podcast episode is about. But I thought I would nod and acknowledge that upon hearing that, if that’s where your brain went, I see you. I see you. So what this podcast episode is actually about is some shifts with the podcast, and also a little love letter, really, to those of you who are really feeling what’s going on in the world, and I would imagine that’s probably all of you listening to this podcast, and that is actually why one of the adjustments that you may have noticed is that the sub header for this podcast, I switched from mindset tips, tools and Inspiration for women leaders to for a time of change. I talk a little bit about why I made some of those shifts in this episode, but it has to do with some feedback and also really wanting to be clear about what I’m talking about, to an extent, but more in the episode. So what I’m talking about is why I started this podcast in the first place, my relationship to podcasting and perfectionism, my background in sociology, I have a request for you regarding using chatgpt, to be specific, it has to do with using chatgpt for life coaching and therapy, which is something that Just came to my attention, that people are doing, and I want to know more if you are someone who uses it or has used it in that way. So more, of course, in the episode. And then my love letter, it is from a speech that I gave to some federal workers recently, and I put it into a letter form, and I wanted to share it with you all, because I think the reflections in it really do have an impact on how we think about where do we go from here? So that’s what you can expect in this episode.

Valerie Friedlander 3:00
Before we dive in, I want to encourage you, for those of you who are big podcast listeners and who love books and feminist essays, my friend Becky mullencamp just launched her new podcast called assigned reading conversations about feminist essays. This is an amazing podcast. I have just started listening to it myself, and it’s like a radical little book club for your ears. Each week, Becky invites a brilliant guest to read and unpack a feminist essay and dive into the juicy, nuanced, sometimes uncomfortable questions these texts raise about power, identity, leadership, liberation and more. So if you love book clubs but find you haven’t really had time for them or just want to expose yourself to more thoughts out there in the feminist realm, I highly recommend this podcast. The link is in the show notes, but you can also just type in assigned reading into your favorite podcast player and go check it out. And now, without further ado, let’s dive into where do we go from here?

Valerie Friedlander 4:22
I was on a hot seat, or a love seat with some fellow podcasters just recently, just the other day, actually, and got some loving support around my podcast. I was kind of exploring this idea of being more like starting a new like Chicago focused podcast, and one person was kind enough to check in, knowing that for her, starting fresh when things are feeling a little bit wonky, like they’re not quite going the. Way that she wants them to it’s like, oh, let’s just start fresh and just checking in to see if maybe that was what was going on. And I had to be honest, that partly that’s true. Partly it’s because I think that in this time, where we go from here with everything that’s going on is hyper local. It is more focused on our communities and not our online communities. So I do think there’s a lot of support in online communities. So I am not crashing on online communities, but our local communities, our in person, real people communities, and I know that’s hard. I know there’s a lot of challenge around doing that. It’s actually one of the reasons I just signed up. Well, not just I’m in the middle of a training on somatic attachment therapy, and, no, I’m not a therapist, but there’s a lot of therapeutic energy in what I do intentionally, because I think that how we move forward, how we create change, what we do, where we’re going, everything about how we lead our life is related to all of who we are, and there’s so many wounds that we are operating from that to change the patterns that we are currently operating in, we have to address some of those, and it doesn’t necessarily mean going back and and engaging specific things. Can. I don’t diagnose people, but I do work with patterns and shifting those patterns, and sometimes we need to do a little bit of like caring. Actually, I would say a lot. We need to do a lot of caring for ourself in that process and for each other and to be able to connect with each other, we have to address those connection wounds. And I honestly think that that’s a big part of how we become more and more disconnected. Systems creating this disconnect and us learning to function in isolation, in individualism, means that we develop coping strategies that become the patterns for how we operate, which creates a stuckness, those wounds, traumas, a stuckness. And that means that we have trouble then connecting, and it’s been magnifying, and it has to do with generations, and there’s so much there that, like we have to look at that. So I signed up to do this training, because I think that’s something we need to do, some healing around, some engagement around so that we can address the patterns that are keeping us separated and in isolation and in the dynamics that we’re currently experiencing. And so we need connection. We need to address that so we can connect with each other, so that we can build stronger communities. So I’m going to come back to that because I have some questions for you as a listener, several questions for you as a listener, and I also want to address some of what’s a little bit different here. So that was the first thing was, like, are you doing this because you were just like, try to create something completely different, because it’s not going the way you were thinking it would. And somewhat Yes, and then the question was, well, couldn’t you become more Chicago focused with the podcast? So that is something that’s coming up. Obviously I will have the kind of content that I currently have, but in terms of like guests that I bring on, I may be honing in a little bit more on support that’s found specifically in Chicago, and then also contemplating some ideas of like meetups and things to promote to connect more with my Chicago listeners. Hello, Chicago listeners. Not to exclude those of you who are not in Chicago, I love you too, so I still care, and I’m really, really wanting to encourage building in communities, local communities. So there’s that. The other thing that was brought up is how someone who is just fabulous can remain just an amazing person. I was on her podcast recently. She’s going to be on mine soon, so keep your eye out for that. She called me out on something very, very kindly. They’re all lovely, but she called me out on how when she interviewed me on her podcast, it sounded so different than when she listens to my solo episodes on my podcast, she’s like, I don’t know if you’re just like editing, like extra, but there’s so much wisdom, so much information, so much value that you bring when you’re not super scripted. And I just don’t get that. Same vibe from you on your podcast, and I recognize that that is a real thing that has happened. I have become so much more particular, and some of it has to do with editing, but editing systems have improved, so I can let that go just a little bit in just editing, like the ums and the and little noises and breaths and all of that. It just got a little got a little too much. If you listen to my earlier episodes, I think I’m way less like that. And it’s just kind of been this progressive thing. And that happens, that is such a thing that happens to us we don’t realize when we’re on this this incline, we would notice the uphill inclines, we don’t notice the downhill inclines, where we slide into patterns of behavior that maybe we’d moved away from, we’d done work around. But then the conditions are such that there we are again, and perfectionism may be one of the things that I navigate, that comes up, that gets activated for me, and it’s really counter to what I started this podcast about. I started this podcast, and I may have said this before, I don’t remember, but I it was because I was on a Voxer chat with several other women, and I would go on and kind of process out something I was working through. I’m very much an out loud processor. And so I would bring something to them, like, Oh, I’ve got this thing going on. And then I kind of talked through it, and they were like, Oh my gosh, I love hearing you coach yourself. Like, that’s fascinating. You should start a podcast. And my response was, I don’t really listen to podcasts. Why would I start one? Why would I have one of my own? And Well, it’s because you like to listen to it. You being all of you who are listening, you like to listen to podcasts. I do like podcasts. I don’t want to like knock on podcasts. I definitely like them. I find it harder to listen to them than like an audio book, because of consistency with it or something. I’m not sure it’s something to do with, like, I have specific podcasts I want to listen to, but I realized I want to put things into a playlist. I’ve just got to put, like, a playlist of podcasts to listen to. It becomes very tied up in my work. I think that’s what it is. It gets really tied up in my work and like, oh, I should pitch a podcast. So I need to listen to these podcasts so that I can be really, like, kind and thoughtful with my pitch. Because I got podcasts for my for this and I don’t, did I say podcast? I get pitches for this podcast too many viewers, and some of them, it’s, like, very clearly filled in the blank, not listened to the podcast, just trying to get visibility, like, not even aware of the vibe of my podcast. Like, very like, I get bro vibes from people pitching a lot of times, and was just like, we’re not on the same page. You clearly didn’t listen to this podcast. So I want to make sure I am not that person, and that I’ve listened and made sure that it is aligned both for them and for me. I think that’s important. And so having that out there of like, oh, I need to listen the shoulds. I need to listen to a podcast. And also, there are people that I want to support, so I need to listen to their podcast, because I want to be able to, like, be authentic in shouting people out, and not just be like, You should listen to this, like, I’ve listened to this. You should listen to this, not that I like to shut on people, but then I can be like, I’ve listened to, this is what I really liked about it. If you like those things, then you might like this too. So it becomes this chore, even if I would enjoy it. Otherwise, it’s this chore and another mental labor thing, and I think that’s what it is. So I’m working on what is a strategy to overcome that. And I think for me, that strategy is going to be creating a lay list to go through of podcasts to listen to, so that it’s just as easy as turning on NPR, which is what I often do, or turning on an audio book, I don’t have to search. I can just click Play. So coming back to why I started a podcast was because people wanted to hear me do what you just heard me do. Not that I planned that, but I. And Kim was kind enough to notice that and and to speak to me that it is something that is missing, or that she misses in terms of my personality, in terms of what she gets from listening to me. So where I’m going from here is that I’m gonna try and lean more into that. I know that doing video is a good idea, which also tends to get me into my head, but I think maybe if I can let that go, then maybe I will let even more of it go, like we’ll go all in just like starting a new podcast. We’re not starting a new podcast, we’re starting a new thing, and we’re just gonna, like, let it all go. We’re just gonna do the things and be in the place and see what happens. So so this is where I turn to you all, and I say, I love feedback. So those are some of the containered feedback that I received. But I do want to hear from you about what you like about this podcast, what you would like to see more of maybe you’re somebody who listens because you think I’m awesome, because you know me and thank you. I love you too. And maybe you’re someone who found this, and we’re like, this is great. I really enjoy Valerie’s thoughts on things, and I really enjoy the people that she interviews. That’s cool, too. So I want to hear from you about those things. The other thing that got called out in this little love seat session was that my focus is on women navigating life transitions. So, yeah, high achieving women, but usually the people who come to me are people who are like, I need to make a professional shift. Maybe it’s trying to level up, get a promotion. Maybe it is a new job. Maybe it is leaving the workforce and doing stay at home stuff. Maybe it is starting a business, those sorts of professional shifts. But what they know is that the shift that they’re looking for is tied to something deeper. It’s tied to more of their life than just I need to find a new job, and maybe that’s part of it, but maybe, usually, there’s some sort of pattern or habit or some dynamic that they’re like this is this is replaying, or I feel stuck, and I’m not doing the things to do what I say I want, and I don’t know why, and I keep not procrastination, whatever. And so there’s something more there. So it’s not just the logistics. These are women who are like, there is more here for me to look at, and maybe they just got a promotion or changed jobs, and they’re starting to see some of those patterns come in again where they thought, Oh, if I made this shift, then it would be done, and it’s not. And so those are my people, and one of the things that got called out is that I don’t say anything about transformation or change in my header, like I changed it to say mindset, tips, tools and inspiration for women leaders. But like, why and that? That would make a little bit more sense, because otherwise I’m so generic. Like I was saying how I am competing for airspace with the Brene browns and the Glennon Doyles and the Mel robbinses And all of those people. Now, of course, my people sometimes are their people, but a lot of times they’re not. It’s just there’s a vibe there that’s not in resonance. And so that’s fine. All of that is like, there’s no judgment about any of that. And I don’t want, in terms of searching, people looking for podcasts to be searching and going, well, do I listen to this coach, or do I listen to this person who writes books and has huge followings. So I think that’s the thing that’s different, that I mean, Brene Brown is a social scientist. I’m a sociologist, so there’s some similarity, but I’m also an artist. I’m also a coach. I actually work with people. I don’t just write about the things I’m studying. So some differences. Those are some differences for you to highlight in your mind. If you’re talking with people and they’re like, who should I listen to? You’ll be like, I know this awesome person who is actually coaching people, and a sociologist and. Pulls all of those things together. Now, if you’re not familiar, it occurs to me, because sometimes I take for granted certain things, and I try and lean into my word nerdiness. And I also need to recognize that not everybody uses certain words all the time. Sociologist is someone who’s looking at social patterns. And there are so many different layers of sociology, and sometimes sociology gets lumped under anthropology, which is a little different, because anthropology is studying cultures, sociology is studying like groups of people. There’s a lot of similarity, but there are differences. I’m focused more on sociology so like people patterns, patterns of interaction. I personally, when I study I studied pop culture, and so like how we understand ourselves through popular culture, and especially the things that you can’t study through watching people, because people know when they’re being watched, but through performance, because they embody the space that someone you know, like imagining you are in a in a position. I’ll give you an example. My honors thesis was on the confessional nature of first kisses and film. So you can’t really study first kisses in the wild, because you don’t know when they’re gonna happen, and then they would be like, very contrived. Now, this was before reality TV really took off, so that might have added another layer to it, had that been the thing I am dating myself. That’s so weird. Time is such a weird thing anyway, as a side note, so studying that you could really study it through film, where people were putting themselves in the experience. And so yes, there was a consciousness about performing it, but as an actor, putting that experience on, embodying what that was like. And so I was talking about like confessions, looking at Foucault and the history of sexuality, and looking at Goffman and social interaction and stuff like that. So little, little side note about me and kind of where I’m coming from, that I always am fascinated, and I don’t always deep dive into things. I like doing that on the podcast, and I do think that there’s a layer that structure that well, okay, the the more what’s the word I want? Rigid side of it gets like, the perfectionistic and like specific and a little caught in my own head, the part so that’s the part I’m I’m working to let go of when it comes to this I do still want to pull in the researched part, the part where there’s information. I value data and scientific analysis as much as I value spirituality and a vibe and it can be kind of challenging to merge those two, because I think one is is very in your head, and one is very in your body and experiential. And I think that is an important thing to learn how to merge. And it can be tricky, because most of our world values up in our head, and so still wanting to have that data piece. Okay, so that brings me to the data piece that I’m looking for you. So I have asked you if you would be willing to share with me what you enjoy about the podcast, what you want more of. And of course, if there’s anything that you haven’t seen that. You would like to see I love feedback. Part of the reason I’m sharing all the feedback that I received that’s leading to a new iteration. So the next thing that I would love is I am exploring this idea of artificial intelligence being used for, quote, unquote therapy and quote, unquote life coaching. And I’m going to use quotes because it’s aI now I’m going to talk all about them, and I’m talking about that right now. But if you are listening to this and you are someone who has used AI specifically chat, GPT, but I’m open to any other systems, if you’ve used it in this way, I want to know what led you to do that, like, what inspired you to do that? I’ve heard a lot about, like, accessibility, about time, things along those lines, but what? What was it that you were like? Maybe it’s curiosity even. But. What was it that inspired you to reach out to AI and ask it your questions and ask for support from it, and what was that experience like for you to go a little bit further knowing, are you using one of the ones that says that, like, I know, on chatgpt, you can turn off the or, supposedly, you could turn off its learning system. So whatever you put in doesn’t go into its learning model, and it doesn’t save it. Or are you using it just generally, so it learns from you, and, like it’s kind of an ongoing conversation that you come back to. So anything that you’re willing to share with me on that I would love, love, love to know for this podcast episode that I am working on to talk about AI and offer some support, because it’s not going anywhere. And we want to make sure that you have some helpful information on how you use it. So I have a little form that says, Ask Val. It is Valerie friedlander.com/ask, Val, and it will be in the show notes for this episode, just click that link and fill out the form with as much or as little information as you want. You can be anonymous, or you can share who you are. Anything is fine. You can also put information, like under, I know at least Spotify has a little thing where you can put comments if you want to comment there. That’s cool, but I would love to hear from you along those lines. So Okay, those are some of the where do we go from here? Why are we here in the first place? Was it comes to this podcast. Now I also want to make sure that we’re talking about where do we go from here, because, in like, a general sense, because it’s, it’s kind of a mess, and I have talked about it a fair amount. And not too long ago, I was given the privilege of speaking to some federal workers who were really are really stressed out about their work situation, and what I shared with them in this meeting really seemed to resonate, and I was thinking about how it really is something that we all need to have. One support. And what I said in there, I think, is, I think is important. I shared it in my newsletter. But, you know, not everybody reads the newsletters. I’m not great with emails myself, unless I’m specifically looking for something, so I wanted to share that here, so I was just going to read what I wrote from what I talked about. I talked about it, then I wrote it. Now I’m going to read it for you, in case it’s helpful. As you think about where do we go from here in terms of your own life, not just my podcast. So here’s what I said, we are relational beings, and the way you and your work are being handled is immensely disrespectful. It is your job to help people in crisis who are experiencing traumatic situations. Now you are the one experiencing a traumatic situation that you have no control over. The additionally traumatizing layer is that you keep being teased with the idea that you could take control, like if you told a community impacted by a flood, go here for life saving supplies. But actually those supplies are somewhere else, and we’ll only give them to you, only 10 of you in if you prove that you deserve them, you would never you would never do that. You would never also cause a disaster that harmed people. Your deepest values are being threatened because you are being treated in a way that goes against everything that you stand for, and as a note, and these are people who have been working in this particular branch for decades, even so, there’s a lot of identity in this work. The word traumatic is used a lot, and I want to speak to what it is and why I’m highlighting it here. Trauma is a wound that is not rooted in what happens to you, but what happens in you as a result of what happened to you. So. It can occur, not just from what happens to you, but also from what should have happened and didn’t. As relational creatures, we are wired for connection, and our brain loves patterns. You know what taking care of people in a traumatic situation looks like and you are not receiving it. This sends your unconscious a message that you don’t deserve care. You are being abandoned by the structures you’ve relied on. But that doesn’t mean you have to abandon each other or yourself engaging the emotions of this wounding, and providing yourself evidence that you do deserve care is the key to healing and finding a way forward. So first, I invite you to hold yourself with all the tenderness and care that you hold the people you support, allow yourself to feel all the feelings that are present for you right now. Feel angry, sad, scared, indignant, outraged, and, of course, grief. Know that this isn’t your fault, and just because you aren’t receiving care from a place you are used to receiving it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it. Repressing the feelings of this situation rushing past them makes them more likely to get stuck in your body. That stuckness is part of the trauma pattern you then carry with you. I’ve worked with a lot of people who have workplace trauma from previous toxic work environments, who have found those patterns replaying in their new environment. Yes, sometimes it’s because they found another toxic work environment, but sometimes it’s not like the entrepreneur who left corporate because they were burning out, only to burn out working for themselves in survival mode, we may freeze feeling overwhelmed and unable to take action because the situation seems so much bigger than us, or we may fight rushing to take action based on the hyper limited options our stressed brain presents, or a bit of both. This is a normal self protective reaction. However, you may find that it doesn’t help you the way you’d like to be helped to create something else. We must engage the pattern and consciously, intentionally create a different one you are currently in the crisis situation, which is why I emphasize care. First and foremost, your curiosity creativity and imagination is more available when you can find or create spaces where you can feel safe as you care for yourself and each other, you begin to make room to explore the choices available to you, not the often false or loaded choices being dangled in front of you by the very people causing you harm, but the more expansive choices of what you want To create in your life and in the world. Once you have room, I like to focus on three questions to be both simple and expansive in setting a decision making foundation. Those questions are, how do you want to experience your life? How do you want to show up to life? What impact do you want to make? This foundation is where you build the stability you need when the stability you thought you had has been destroyed. Finally, please, know you don’t have to do this alone. You have each other, and there are resources like myself who care what’s happening and are here for you. That is the essence of what I shared. And I want to highlight a couple things. One is I jumped over a spot of self compassion, accessing your own ability to be compassionate within yourself. So this is a space where we’re all navigating this with their their particular situation is acute in its in its way, and this is an invitation for you to notice where your tension is, because we’re all navigating this in our own ways. Where is the tension for you? Where is the tension in your body? Where are you pulling resource to protect yourself from what is happening from the stress? Of this situation, of the environment. Maybe it’s a particular situation. Maybe it’s not related to the broader world context. Maybe there’s something going on in your own life, to take a minute and just notice where you’re holding that tension.

Valerie Friedlander 35:22
If that tension could say something to you, what would it say?

Valerie Friedlander 35:40
What does that space in your body need to hear right now?

Valerie Friedlander 35:51
And along with that, maybe just send it some compassion. Just send it some care, like you would a small child, a beloved pet, send it some compassion, not to get rid of it, but because it deserves care. And that is a really important distinction. This kind of practice isn’t to dissipate. It to tell it to go away, to make it stop. It is because it deserves care, because you deserve care, and that part of yourself also deserves care. That’s it.

Valerie Friedlander 36:58
So I don’t have a specific answer to where we go from here in this moment, I do think that where we go is towards care. It’s towards compassion, wherever you are in the experience of the world and your life right now, you deserve care and compassion. So giving yourself that, allowing receipt of that, one of the other things that came up that I didn’t write in this has to do with honoring your experience, not just of hardship, but also of skills, everything that you’ve built while we may be in this big shift, and we’re Not necessarily creating like we’re gonna go through decomposition before we’re in creation. I talked about that in the last episode, or the one before that, something like that. I talked about it recently, and it’s really important as we go through that process, whatever process looks like for us, the care is part of what we’re delivering, and that can create room for planting seeds. Tending the garden of our life makes room for planting the seeds that we would like to cultivate, and I think that is the foundation of where we go from here, whatever layer of transition we’re currently in. So thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and if you are willing to share more with me about what you would like to hear on the podcast, what you like about the podcast, any questions, topics, any of that, please do it however feels most comfortable for you, you can fill it out under the podcast, where it says comments. There’s also a way you can hit text me. So if that’s super easy for you and you prefer to text things, you can just text me. It doesn’t send me your phone. It’s like, it sends like an email to me. So you can do that. Or you can click the link in the show notes that says, Ask Val and fill out a little form where you can be as anonymous as you choose to be. So I appreciate you. I’m sending you lots of love, lots of care, and I will talk to you all next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai