Being a Mission-Driven Woman and Stepping into Possibilities

Valerie Friedlander
Hello, my friends, and welcome to the first episode of season six of mindset unlimited. Mindset tips, tools and inspiration for women in a time of change. I’m your host. Valerie Friedlander, ICF, certified coach, sociologist, intersectional feminist, artist, mom and nerd. Today we are talking about this season’s focus of mission driven Chicago women. In this episode, I’m sharing about what you can expect this season, what it means to be mission driven, cultivating a creative mindset, embracing your process. And I have a big request to you for your input as a listener this season, as I will get into, is very much geared around more of a flow, more of the way I operate and think about the world, as well as the interviews that I will have with other mission driven Chicago women and for me to do the solo episodes that I’m looking to do. I want to hear from you. I want your input. What do you want to hear about? What questions do you have? What challenges are you facing that you would love for my brain to engage and share a little bit about how I would engage that thinking about questions that I might ask you and explorations that you might make, and maybe I even have an exercise to offer up for that kind of support. So please use the link in the show notes to send me a little message, whether you choose the voice version to send me a message, or you choose the Google Form version, I would love, love, love to hear from you. It would mean so much to me. So now, without further ado, let’s get started.

Valerie Friedlander
I’m so excited to get started. I’m also super nervous because I am doing some things differently. But first, before I go into all of that this season and well, this episode is about the focus of this season, which is on mission driven Chicago women. So that is where I’m honing in. Back last season, I initiated this conversation about making some shifts, about being a little bit more local, and kind of described this process of conversation that led me to thinking, oh, you know, I really I want this, but I don’t have to throw everything out. I can just add. I can make small adjustments and be more what I would like to be, or make it a focus. Make it like a mini focus for a season, or whatever. Give myself some flexibility. Give myself some permission to play, which is a whole thing. So anyway, one of the things that I’m shaking up is I am attempting to do video now. I love video. I definitely enjoy it. I think it’s a great modality, and I know that a lot of people like to watch video, and I am not so ungraded editing. I’ve gotten really good at editing audio editing video is a whole nother thing. So what may end up happening is that I do some cleaning up for the audio version, and then those of you who want to watch how I operate, you can watch the video and just see what it all looks like. I super admire the people who are really good at the cuts that work, where they can really get to the point of things and make it all look great. There’s some folks on Instagram that I enjoy following who do this so brilliantly, and I deeply admire that. And my focus is on working with clients and doing the work to figure out how to do video editing has not been where my main thing is. And while I could do that, I’m not so that’s that. Now the other aspect of that is hiring somebody to do it for me. And I will probably get into the dynamics of that in another episode, because I have a lot of thoughts about some of the things that are happening in my industry, but that is not the focus of this episode. So just leaving it here for right now, I am going to, as we get into this episode, talk a little bit about some of my own processing around profession. Perfectionism, which I touched on in that one episode a while ago. I’ll link it in the show notes if you want to go and listen to it. But some of this is really just okay. This is how I function. This is what works for me, and leaning into that. And so it’s something that I hope that by doing that myself, I can also inspire, invite you to find what works for you and lean into that. And so that’s one of the things that we’ll be doing in this season, is having conversations with other women who are driven by a mission. And the way I look at mission driven is that they have a vision of the world, and they have a sense of what they want their part to be in, how they create that vision, how they build into it, and so that’s their mission. And usually they’re an entrepreneur, but that’s often who I end up talking to anyway, when it comes to the podcast. However, I do plan on talking to other, you know, community organizers, artists, folks who have a vision of the world that they want to create. And I want to invite that conversation of, what does it look like to do that? Because I think that is critical for where we are in the world right now is that ability to see possibility and to see our part in that and what we can add into it and what we want to create. It’s so easy, and I struggle with this myself. Of the blinders Come on, and I can only see what I don’t want, and then the judgment kicks in, because when you’re focused on what you don’t want because it feels dangerous and legit. This is not me saying that there’s not a lot of dangerous stuff out there. There is, and what happens when we’re focused on that is the blinders come up and we can only see one thing or another. We feel overwhelmed, we feel stressed. And when our brain is in that kind of mode, its function is survival, and it means that our options become more limited, and we tend to put buckets into this is right and this is wrong. And while it is helpful to know what is harmful and what is healing, what is expansive and what is contracting, and all of those are binaries, and it helps to have a sense of that for ourselves, what is true for us. It’s also tends to gear us towards looking at the things we don’t like, to having judgment and to the more contracting way of thinking about things, this goes into like the idea of growth mindset versus fixed mindset. Anytime we have a binary, it tends to lean us towards fixed mindset instead of growth mindset. And so just the very creation of that framework of fixed versus growth. Even though it might be like growth is good, we tend to be more in fixed because we have limited our options. It’s harder to see nuance. It’s harder to see possibility, because you’re focused on what is known, and your brain isn’t as able to access the creative aspects, and it leans more towards what it knows, which keeps us from building something new. And I’ve talked to so many people who are like, well, we don’t want that, because that doesn’t work when we don’t want that, well, this is what we know. So it’s not perfect, but it’s, it’s what’s worked the best in my experience. But is it? This is typically in conversations around economic systems and structures and what else could there be? What else could we do? And so when we’re in that blinders mode, we’re not going to see those possibilities. No, we’re not going to be as open to the uncertainty of something new. It’s going to be much harder. We’re going to be looking for the things that create certainty, which are the things that are known. So I want us to be in a more expansive place, to be able to think broader. And so my hope is to offer what I do, and you know, solo episodes, which is, you know, some some food for thought, things to think about, things to explore for yourself, and then to interview other women in Chicago who are leaning into that mission of that creativity space of I’m building something into the world, because this is what I envision, and this is my partner, and kind of explore what that can look like. From a variety of perspectives of that experience. So it’s not necessarily to say, like, my life is only about this one thing. And I think that’s something that comes up when people think mission driven. They think again. It’s kind of that narrow focus of like, this is all I think about, and I love this, and I don’t see anything else. And I actually think that being mission driven means that there’s a creativity desire, there’s a desire to build and I do think that working with a lot of mission driven women, that it’s something we get stuck in sometimes, where those blinders do come on, and it becomes harder to be in that creative mode. And that’s what we call stuck, is I know I want to build something new, and I’m so stressed out by all the trappings of the world, all the ways of functioning, because it’s hard to have one foot over here in the world that’s functioning the way it’s currently functioning, and one foot in this fluid space of what’s possible and how far on one side do you go, and what does that look like, and what’s effective And what’s productive, and, oh no, now we’re getting perfectionist about it, and we’re getting lost in all of the pieces, and and and, and it’s hard not to spiral. And when we spiral, then we’re we’re looking for stability, and then we’re in the binaries, and then we’re stuck and judging things. And it’s just it’s so much harder. So I think one of the big solutions to navigating that is inspiration from other people who are also navigating it and having this space to explore ourselves and the support to explore ourselves and to understand ourselves and what works for us and what doesn’t work for us. And so as I share all of this, this is one of the things that I’m personally leaning into again with the doing video, and meaning that I am going to be less in the editing, and we’re just going to kind of see how it flows. I’m also being a little bit less scripted, not that I was ever like fully scripted, but I have not always allowed the flow of my thoughts to come forward. So this is where exploring what your process is can be helpful and why it is what it is, and if it’s actually what fits you. And I’ll explain this by saying that one of the things that I’m trying to be more open to is the fact that I’m not a linear thinker. I’m not a linear processor of information. I’m not even a linear communicator, I can work to put things into a particular order, and I know that that can be helpful for taking in information. And that’s not fully how my brain works, and I think that it was one of the things that my friend was was identifying as when I’m asked a question and I don’t have prepared like information that I’ve pulled to cite sources and all of that, not that I don’t sell site sources when I’m talking about things. And I’m much more like, oh, well, this is an interesting thought over here, and that ties to this, and that ties to this. And it’s not always, rarely, is it. I should say this, this clear thread and and that doesn’t work for everybody, so I think it actually is part of my superpowers, though, as a coach, which is really interesting to think about, of like, well, in teaching a concept, I do need to be scripted. I do need to have, you know, my slides, my presentations, and I do all of that so that it’s more clear and structured. But when I’m coaching, part of what I’m doing is looking for patterns and and being open to all right, what are you here looking for? And what am I able to see that you’re not able to see? Because I’m, you know, I’m like the mirror, right? And I can notice certain things that you might not notice. And so that’s part of that gift of being able to go, how does this relate to this, and how does this relate to this into this and see that pattern that allows us to unpack it. So life growth is not a linear process. And so if you think about a bundle of of yarn, anybody has ever done any kind of knitting or crochet and has dealt. Yarn, it looks like you’re just gonna pull the thread of yarn and it’s just gonna come out, and sometimes it gets tangled and it’s kind of a mess. And there’s a visual I saw a long time ago, which is like, we think that progress is gonna look like this straight line, and what it really looks like is this big mess of a squiggly lines all over each other, and then out which I don’t think we ever get to the out part, maybe around a particular topic or subject or situation, we can get the out part, but then we find another mess of squiggly lines. So with the yarn, it’s like that, and you can’t just keep pulling, because you’ll get to the knot now, I suppose you could cut it, but if you want that cohesion of whatever you’re creating, you do actually need to spend some time pulling at the different pieces. All right, if I pull here, what happens? And if I pull here, what happens? And, okay, now I need to pull here a little bit to move this. And now, oh, and then suddenly, oh, there it is. This whole big swath is free. And that’s what happens when I’m working with people in coaching work is we pull Oh, I didn’t realize I was gonna have to pull at this, but now we’re pulling at this a little bit. And oh, and now we’re pulling it this a little bit. So say somebody comes to me for something around their career, and, oh, the reason that you’re not taking these steps is because there’s some fear about how doing this is going to impact this other area of your life. Are you going to have time for the things that are important to you, for the self-care routine that you’ve gotten used to, for the kid pickup and like, what are those things look like? And so we need to pull on that and see what kind of structures need to be put into place to support it. So being able to notice, oh, there’s this, there’s this other thread that needs some attention is a superpower, and it means that when I show up to a conversation, it looks like that. When I’m just talking myself, I don’t always let it look like that, because I think that the process should be more linear versus I’m over here, I’m over here, and it depends on the topic too. Some things have much more of a straight line or cohesion to them than some other things, and it also depends on what’s going on in my own life, and I’m a human being, and so that’s just part of it. So I would love to invite you in this particular topic, as we get started, to think a little bit about what your process is and what about it. Are you embracing and what about it are you rejecting? And what about what you’re rejecting is something that you like that’s leading you to reject it? So like, for example, and this I did actually write down, because I don’t remember everything. Thank you. ADHD, brain, perimenopause, brain, all that fun stuff. So that’s, you know, and I observe myself making some excuses, not excuses. That’s not what word I want. I want justifications. I don’t know. I’m just I’m explaining it. I’m explaining myself. And I think we have a tendency to do that, to explain ourselves, and we don’t really need to. I think you all who are listening to this episode probably maybe have been around for a little bit. I don’t know. Maybe you’re new here, and you know, I love you, I accept you for who you are, and I hope you will give me the same grace. Anyway, all of that also, these things are normal. Let’s normalize them, etc. So what about your process? Are you rejecting and why? And sometimes it’s the length of time it’s taking you to process. Sometimes it is not being linear and taking detours or not being as organized as you’re supposed to be, or whatever. What? What about? It is something that you’re judging as wrong or bad or not what it should look like, and then maybe take a look at what do you think it should look like your process in navigating the world, navigating, and maybe take it smaller and think about a particular project, a particular situation that you’re dealing with, and how you’re dealing with it, and what are you judging about it? How do you think you should be showing up to it? Yeah. What tells you that it should be like that, and how are you naturally showing up to it? What about that thing that you’re rejecting? What do you think would happen if you embraced it? And again, I’m not saying that, you know, exploring these questions are going to open up suddenly, oh, no, I definitely want to embrace it. Maybe you realize, no, I really don’t want to embrace this, because this is rooted in some survival mechanisms that aren’t helpful for me. This is rooted in fear that I have over doing a thing and and that’s okay, but maybe, maybe you’ll find that it’s because I was told that this is not the right way to do it, and so I’m afraid of doing it the way that would naturally be for me. Can you think of a time that you did it the way that felt more natural for you, that you took the space or embraced the space that is more natural for you and what happened? One of the things that has also come up for me is so I’m starting this podcast in April, and the past several seasons, I’ve started in March, if not earlier, and I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. Some of it was inertia. Some of it was Oh my gosh. It’s been several months now, and I just have gotten out of the habit, and I’m nervous to do these different things and all of that, and some of it was because I really needed to take some time. I needed to take some time to turn in, to process, to be to not have that in front of me. And that took a lot longer than I wanted it to I was introduced to this idea of the cicada. I always talk about the caterpillar to butterfly, and I think that’s a really common one, because, oh, you move from this, like grubby caterpillar to this beautiful butterfly, and how wonderful. And someone mentioned to me recently about the cicada, which is a symbol of rebirth, just similar to the butterfly, but it’s it’s different, and it’s not always thought of as highly, though, in folklore, which I’ll link in the show notes, it’s ha. It has some interesting stories to it, but it’s about rebirth. It spends years under the ground, like most of its life, is under the ground, processing, becoming its next version of itself, and then it climbs up into the tree and mates. And then its babies go into the ground. And so this birth, rebirth process. And I thought, Oh, wow. It takes, like, a long time, sometimes, to process and to be in that burrowed space. So here I am judging a few months, and maybe that’s okay. Things have taken years, and I have felt a bit like I’ve been in a gestation period for the past several years. And of course, with everything going on in the world there, it always brings up these questions, what am I doing? What what is helpful? What is harmful? So many things in my industry have been taken into these spaces that are really harmful, like what the wellness industry is so infused with money making stuff and not actually being well, it’s like selling you on things that you need to be well instead of actually focusing on what really creates wellness. So again, blinders, judgment, and not to say that I agree with any of those things, but doesn’t keep me focused on what my part is, what my process is, what my gifts are, what my values are, and what my vision is that I want to build into, and who are those people that I want to connect with. It keeps me focused on what I don’t want and the people that I don’t want to connect with that I don’t want to build something with because what they’re building isn’t aligned with what I’m building, or things of that nature. So really getting in touch with myself and taking a step out of the well, it shouldn’t be taking this long, and I should know these things by now. It’s that idea of of adulting, like, what I what I’ll be when I grow up. Here I am 45 going, I’m adult, right? Yeah, totally. Anyway, stepping out of the judgment of it, and sometimes it’s really is just that of like, this is good, this is bad, and just going, this is what is and this. Is what’s working for me, and this is what I want to learn more about build into, and this is what I want to start to release, because it comes from shoulds. It comes from other people, other systems that aren’t who I am and the way I work, and this is the way I work, and I want to find ways that work with the way I work, or supports that support me working the way I work, instead of saying that it’s bad or wrong or trying to reject it, all of it’s there for a reason, and we get to decide what we want to do with that. So okay, so that’s that is kind of where I’m at. These are the things that I want to share with you, and what I would love to ask, what I am going to ask of you is to let me know what you want to hear about, because that’s one of the things that makes it easier when I’m having a conversation with somebody. So when I’m on somebody’s podcast and they’re asking me questions, is then I can answer the questions, and sometimes I answer them with more questions, like, you know, what about? What about? This leads to that rejection, or whatever, but it’ll it allows me to focus on that conversation, even if it’s a little one sided, since I’m talking at you, but then it’s like, I’m talking to you, and I can also offer support that is meaningful for you, and it can also indicate to me who you would like me to bring on. And of course, while I’m focusing on mission driven Chicago women this season, if you’re not in Chicago, that’s okay. You are still very welcome here, and hopefully you will find inspiration from these women that I’ll be speaking with. And of course, I’ll have the solo episodes and whatever you would like to share with me, I would love to hear from you as always. So that’s my big ask as I start this season. There is a link in the show notes to send me a little voice message, and you can do it anonymously. You can put your info in if you want me to directly respond and send you a personal email. If you do send me a voice message and you put your info and I will absolutely respond directly to you, if you would like me to do that, and it will help me know, you know, if you if you don’t put that in, I will still respond and engage whatever question comment that You have on the podcast in an episode. So please reach out if you would prefer not to do a voice message. There is also the form that I have where you can fill out information, anonymously or otherwise. And so that’s my big ask this season of you, my lovely listeners, is to let me know what you would like me to talk about and what questions you have. So that is it for the first episode of season six. Thank you so much for being here, and I will talk to you all next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai