Best Guide on How to Know What You Want
Finding Your Path to a Meaningful and Fulfilling Life
by Valerie Friedlander
Are you struggling to figure out how to know what you really want in life? If you’ve ever felt lost, uncertain about your direction, or unsure how to find your path, you’re not alone. For over a decade—even before I became a coach—I’ve heard this question from so many women: “How do I know what I want?” Many of the women I’ve worked with have come to realize that the stories they were taught about success simply aren’t fulfilling or healthy—and they’re ready for something different.
Even when the world feels chaotic, I believe the foundation for building a healthier, more fulfilling life starts with learning how to know what you want. Over the years, I’ve gathered practical tips and tools that have helped both myself and my clients move from confusion to confidence, especially during times of transition. While you can begin these steps on your own, lasting transformation rarely happens in isolation.
Our culture often tells us to go it alone, but real growth comes when we let others support us. We need other people to hold space for our possibilities, help us see ourselves more clearly, and walk with us through uncertainty. If this resonates and you’d like support to discover what you want and move toward a life that feels truly yours, please reach out. Doing these exercises is powerful, but having someone by your side can make all the difference.
Why Knowing What You Truly Want Matters Now
We’re living through a time of profound uncertainty—climate change, political upheaval, and shifting job markets all weigh on our collective future. It’s no surprise that so many of us are questioning what truly matters and searching for more meaningful, holistically sustainable ways to live and work. Coupled with the constant pressure to always appear as if we have it all together, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and to struggle with how to know what you want. While recognizing what you don’t want can be a useful starting point, the most important step is figuring out what you do want.
“Where your focus goes, your energy flows.” – Unknown
When your focus is primarily on what you don’t want, you may unintentionally give it more influence in your life or, at best, remain stuck in avoidance. This isn’t to say pretend that you’re somewhere you’re not. It is to say that if you want to plant a garden, you need to But when you clarify what you want, your energy can begin to move toward finding ways to take positive action.
The Obstacles to Knowing What You Want
Yet making the shift from what you don’t want to what you do want often isn’t easy. Many of my clients seek me out when they find themselves caught in the difficult space between what isn’t working and the uncertainty of what could be. They can list everything they don’t want, but when asked what they do want, they’re unsure. Sometimes they see bits and pieces of what they desire but can’t imagine how it all fits together without giving up something important. They believe that if they could just find the “right thing,” they’d finally have the clarity and confidence to move forward. So what holds them back?
Common Obstacles to Knowing What You Want
Here are four of the most common obstacles I’ve seen in clients who come to me seeking clarity and confidence around the question, “How do I know what I want?”
- Belief That “This is as Good as It Gets”: Fear of the unknown keeps us stuck in what’s familiar, even when it’s unfulfilling or unhealthy.
- Doubt in Our Decision-Making: We followed the rules for a “successful life” and ended up burned out or disappointed. If our choices haven’t worked before, how can we trust ourselves to choose better now?
- Fear of Failure and Fear of Success: What if I try something new and it doesn’t work? What if I get what I want and it still isn’t right? These doubts can keep us from taking any action at all.
- Overwhelm and Survival Mode: We often start looking for change when we’re already stressed, but stress limits our ability to imagine new possibilities.
If any of these resonate, know that it’s not your fault. Our brains are wired to favor familiar patterns, most of which are subconscious. At some point, these patterns helped you survive or get what you needed, but without conscious engagement, they tend to persist—even when they’re holding you back rather than moving you forward. This is why you might unconsciously repeat what’s familiar, even if it’s not what you want. Again, this isn’t a personal failing—it’s simply how our brains are designed. The work is to notice these patterns and gently shift them.
Start Finding What You Want Through Your Authentic Self
Knowing what you want begins with connecting with who you truly are rather than immediately setting goals. Traditional thinking suggests achieving certain tasks will lead to the desired life, but real progress comes from choosing who you want to be and creating goals from there. If you feel trapped in an unfulfilling job or role in life, envisioning a different future is challenging without first reconnecting with your true self, beyond the “shoulds” and internalized expectations. This self-discovery is essential for defining how you want to live and the impact you wish to make, forming the basis for creating the life you truly desire.
“A vision is not just a picture of what could be, it is an appeal to our better selves, a call to become something more.” — Rosabeth Moss Kanter
Practical Steps to Reconnect to Favorite Self
1. How to Know What You Want: Analytical Exploration
Take some time to reflect on these questions. Write your answers down.
- What do people compliment you on? These might be things you do or ways you show up. If you’re unsure, ask friends or post on social media for feedback.
- What do you admire in others? Often, what you notice in others reflects qualities within yourself.
- Who are you when you feel most alive? Describe yourself during moments when you’re fully engaged and present.
- What are your natural gifts? What do people come to you for help with? What activities make you lose track of time?
- What difference do you want to make? How do you want to impact others or the world? What do you want people to experience when they interact with you?
2. How to Know What You Want: Creative Exploration
Move beyond analysis and into creativity.
- Visioning Meditation: Imagine your best self in detail. What do you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell? What does your environment look like? Who’s with you? How do you support yourself and others?
- Navigating Change: Picture yourself handling change as your best self. Who supports you? How do you seek out growth opportunities?
- Create a Touchstone: Make a statement, collage, or visual (using magazines or a tool like Canva) that captures your vision. Use it as a reminder of the energy and feeling you want to embody.
Note: Some people struggle with this section because visualization doesn’t work for them. If that’s you, that’s okay! You might start with creating a touch stone using what you notice in part 1, moving your body and attending to your senses. Visioning doesn’t have to mean seeing something visually. So do the parts that work for you and leave the parts that don’t.
3. How to Know What You Want: Embodied Exploration
Your body holds wisdom. Notice where and when you feel a softening and openness in your body and where and when you experience tension in your body. Tuning into your body’s signals can help guide your awareness and decision-making.
What You Want Can Evolve Over Time
Your authentic self—and your vision—will always be evolving. Revisit your vision regularly, not just to measure progress, but to notice how your desires and self-understanding change. Taking action in alignment with your vision may reveal new insights or shifts. That’s part of the process.
On Manifesting What You Want
Every action you take is an expression of your thoughts—whether you’re aware of them or not. In this way, you’re always manifesting your life. What you notice, and what you believe about what you notice, shapes the choices you make and the reality you create. Without intentional focus, it’s easy to keep manifesting what’s already familiar—repeating both personal habits and broader societal norms.
The process you follow—not just what you do, but how you do it—determines what you ultimately bring into your life and into the world. The means truly shape the ends. That’s why connecting with your authentic self is so essential. When your actions are aligned with who you really are, whatever you create will reflect what matters most to you—even if it unfolds in ways you didn’t expect.
While these steps can be done on your own, don’t underestimate the value of support. We need each other to hold space for what’s possible and to help us see ourselves clearly, especially during big life transitions. If you feel stuck or need extra encouragement, reach out. Your journey matters, and your light is needed in the world now more than ever.
If you’re interested in personalized support, grab a spot on my calendar for a free session.
Valerie Friedlander is a Chicago-based life coach helping high-achieving women navigate transitions, reduce overwhelm, and lead lives aligned with who they are.
Learn about working with Valerie HERE
Listen to the Mindset Unlimited Podcast HERE