Releasing Perfectionism and Pursuing Purpose

Hello, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Mindset, unlimited. Mindset tips, tools and inspiration for women in a time of change. I’m your host. Valerie Friedlander, ICF, certified leadership coach, intersectional feminist sociologist, artist, mom and nerd, and today we are talking about releasing perfectionism and fueling your purpose. And it’s so appropriate. In this episode, I am trying out some new things, namely, for those of you who are watching the video, a little bit of editing, not a lot, just a tiny bit, and that is because I recorded this episode, like a month, maybe even two months ago. I had an inspiration, and I wasn’t quite ready to launch the season yet, but I knew that it was something that needed to be talked about. So here we are. I’m releasing perfectionism in the moment and just trying out some new things going with it, because it’s important to me to put things into the world. And that was one of the big challenges I was feeling, is there’s so much out there and so many things. And then I was working with a client who ended up talking about perfectionism, and I’m like, Ah, hey, perfectionism. Because sometimes perfectionism, it isn’t just we think of it as this way that we stop ourselves, but sometimes it’s because we really care, because something really matters. So some of the things we’re talking about in this episode are because perfectionism shows up when we really care about something and how we engage that, recognizing your stress response, honoring your gifts as well as your capacity. And you know, sometimes it just doesn’t feel like enough, so getting centered in what enough is, focusing on your purpose and not on the outcome. And I differentiate, because purpose is about in the moment, how we’re showing up and the actions that we take, not just the outcome and what happens we’re so outcome driven. So like product production, instead of what actually makes a difference is where we are, who we are, right now, in each moment. So separating those two out, and then tied to that, the importance of taking action. So all of that in this episode, I’m so excited to share it with you. I hope you enjoy it. Just a reminder, as I will remind at the end, I love to hear from you, and I have a few different ways of doing that, so if you are willing to take just a little bit of time and send me a message, I so appreciate it. We’re just getting started, and so I’m collecting your input so that I can build into the next episodes for this season. So please let me know what questions you have as you listen to this episode. What comes up for you? Is there something that is related to it for you that you want to hear more about, and have me dive a little further into, let me know. And now, without further ado, let’s get started.

That concept of perfectionism been coming up a lot recently, and the ways in which it subtly sneaks in and stops us from doing things. I had someone reach out recently asking about, what do I do? My capacity? I’ve got changes. I want to do stuff. I really care. But what, what is the best amount what is the right thing. And I recognized that flash of perfectionism when we’re talking about it. She’s like, Oh, that’s perfectionism. Like, but so often we don’t realize when we’re just thinking about it in our own head that it’s perfectionism when it shows up, like, I care so much, and I want to make sure that I’m doing the most helpful thing, because i i only have so much capacity, and there are so many things to do, and I want to pick the right thing, and I want to do the the most helpful thing, the most effective thing, because I want to make a difference. And and then we don’t, we don’t do anything because we’re waiting for the right thing. And of course, I see this in so many different aspects of the work that I do, this color of perfectionism that that impacts how we perceive and what we do. You know, if we want the best thing, we want to do the right. Right thing, then we’re in a binary where if there’s a right thing, there’s a wrong thing, and we don’t want to do the wrong thing because we want to be of best service. So often we think of perfectionism as this negative force, which it is because it reduces, it pulls away, it detracts, it prevents, versus what it often is experienced as is. I care about this. This matters to me. It’s something that is important, and I want to give it my best. And it gets caught up in the attachment to outcome. It gets caught up in the impact that we want it to have, and sometimes we haven’t even defined what that impact is. It’s one of the reasons why I often invite the reflection when we’re visioning of how do you want to experience life, how do you want to show up, and what impact do you want to have? Not so that we get caught up in the impact, but so that we have an accountability measure, right? So when we take action, we want, we want to have there be an accountability for I said that I wanted this. Is it working? And you know, intention and impact are not the same thing. They’re different. They they’re related, but they’re different. And so when we know the impact, that can help us aim our efforts and check in on whether our efforts are successful, whether they’re doing what we want them to do. But the problem is that so many people, when there’s the conditioning around perfectionism we get caught up in our heads around playing this chess game of figuring out what’s going to make the impact and what’s going to be the right thing, or the most impact, or and it all stays up in here, instead of something that we actualize, something that we bring into The world that we try and so we never know. We never know if it’s actually going to do the thing or not. And in a time like we are living through right now where we do need to show up, but the system doesn’t want us to show up, it is one way that both with overwhelm, because overwhelm is a state of inaction, and there’s so many things going on, there’s so much that needs to be done, and we don’t know which thing to do. We can’t do it all. Sometimes we want to do it all, but we can’t do it all. That overwhelm, and then it feeds into the perfectionism that we’ve been conditioned with of well, we need to do the right thing and the most effective thing and the most efficient thing and the we just don’t do the things so. So what do you do about that? I think that there are tools like those reflection practices to ground in. And there’s also just a shift of awareness, of recognizing that when we’re thinking about acting in the world, and in a world that’s going through major shifts with horrible things happening, knowing that it is going to be overwhelming, that there is a lot to carry, and it’s it’s logistically overwhelming, it’s emotionally overwhelming, knowing that it is normal to have your stress response activated. So knowing what is your stress response? What happens when you get overwhelmed, when there’s so much going on, what are the patterns that show up in your life that you tend to do So being aware of those, not to shame yourself and be like you shouldn’t be doing that, but just to know that those are survival mechanisms that may not be serving you right now, but they’re there for a reason. Giving yourself some compassion for them, giving yourself room to care for yourself as you’re navigating them. That’s important. The other piece that ties into the perfectionism is knowing that there is no right thing. There is no one right action to take. There just isn’t we don’t know we’re we’re in unknown territory. We don’t know what we’re building. We can hope towards what we want to create, and we can use that as a grounding, focal point to aim our action right, the the intention, the desired impact. But a lot of our desired impact we may not see in our lifetime. And that’s hard, because we, we are so conditioned for instant gratification, so we want to do the thing and be able to get the reward, to be able to be told, yes, this is this is right, this is working, and to have that, that dopamine, then. Endorphins, of of those positive things, and we see them online, and the things that get recognized, and a lot more things are recognized now than they used to be, because we have social media, but there’s a lot that it’s the little bits and pieces. I saw a reminder recently that there are a lot of people that we know who did important things during the Civil Rights Movement as an example, but there are a lot of people whose names we will never know, whose contribution was just as important that without that, we would not have had the people that we do know that the impact that they made would not have been felt to that degree if those people that we don’t know that never got recognition, that may have only experienced harm personally from it made things better for other people, but they didn’t get acknowledged for that, they may not have felt it, and yet there’s a purposefulness to it. So that’s the thing that I invite you to connect to is, what do you hope for? What is the purpose? And then, in terms of discerning what your best action is, best action knowing that there is no right thing or really a best thing, there’s just the thing that you do, because what you do is so much more powerful than all of the imaginations that you came up with, even if it’s not The best thing, if you do something that matters. So how do you decide what that thing is, knowing what your purpose is, knowing the difference that you want to make, what you want to be building for. I was only able to carry one brick to build this house, but I know that I want this is the house that I want to build. And this is the brick that I have. So that’s, that’s something, right? You still contributed something. So knowing what it is that you’re you’re wanting to build, knowing what are those things, what are the gifts that you have to give? And this can be tricky, too, of like, what do you have to offer? And so often we discount the things that come most naturally to us. We don’t recognize those things. We don’t give them care and consideration because they’re just there. We take them for granted because we don’t have to think about them. So taking a minute to really reflect on what are those things that you just do, that just happen in your life, that you kind of pass off? Well, everybody can do that. Well, probably not, maybe other people can. But that’s not the point. The point is, what are those things that you just do? Because you have more capacity to just do those things, there’s more energy in you to just do those things, because they’re natural to you. So really thinking about, what are those? What are those gifts that you have to give if you’re not sure, ask. Ask some people, what are they what do they notice about you? What do they appreciate about you? What are the characteristics they admire in you? And I usually encourage people to also think about, what are the characteristics that you admire in other people, because you’re not going to notice something if you don’t have the capacity within yourself. And you may be like, Well, no, that’s why I admire. It is because, like, I can’t do that, but think about what difference that thing makes to you. Like, if what are you admiring? Why is that matter to you? What are they doing with that gift, that characteristic that matters to you? And where is that in your life? Because sometimes it It articulates differently. I’ll give you an example of a client who really admired how this neighbor was able to cook things, and she’d always bring those most amazing dishes to gatherings, and she just so admired her ability to cook. And so we explored, well, what is it that you love about that? Why is that important to you? She’s like, well, it’s just so nurturing. It just it feels like she’s caring for all of us and nurturing all of us with this food. Okay, where do you nurture? And then it hit her, what? What she does? And it doesn’t look like cooking, it looks like something else. And that was what her gift is. But nurturing was what was important to her. What she admired is her ability this neighbor’s ability to nurture and she realized, Oh, I do nurture people. This is how I nurture people. So sometimes you got to go in a. Roundabout way, you got to go a little bit deeper to find the connections, but those that’s another way that you can find what a gift is of yours. So asking other people, exploring what you admire, exploring what comes easy, if you can think of things that you just do, then you can find those things that just are more natural to you. I tend to be really great at connecting with people and connecting dots. So like, Oh, you’re talking about this, this other person was talking about this. You two would be a great connection. It’s the same when I’m working with somebody and they say this thing and this other thing, I’m like, What? What is the relationship? And being able to go, Oh, I heard you say this, and then you said this, and what is that? And then it’s like a light bulb went off. I never thought of those two things going together or having a relationship, but now that you say that, so that’s a gift of mine. So being able to explore, what are those things that you just do, that you could contribute, and then also thinking about your capacity, and not just what you can give, but what also fuels you, what helps you rejuvenate when you’ve used your energy, and recognizing that that is another really important component of the process of reflecting is not Just what can you give? But what do you need so that you can keep giving? What are those things that you need to have in place? What are those support systems? Maybe it is encouragement. Maybe it is camaraderie. I mean, we all need other people, and that’s part of it’s not just giving to others. When we talk about mutual aid as an example, it’s not just about you giving. It is also about you receiving. Now, what you give and what you receive may be different things, but the receiving is still part of it, because that’s how it feeds. That’s how you can continue. That’s the cycle, the the relationship. This is a relationship. So thinking about those things and again, I’m just going to finish up by looping back around to knowing that there is no one right thing. There’s just doing something, taking action, whatever it is. So for me today, it is hopping on here to record this episode of Mindset unlimited while I’m still trying to figure out what exactly everything looks like. This came up, and I thought this is really important, and you all should know it, so I’m going to share it with you, and I’m so excited to have the podcast to be back.

There will be more of these sorts of conversations. I really invite you to share with me any questions, anything that you want me to engage that’s helpful to me. If you send me a message, you can send me an email. I also have, like, a little voice chat thing where you can send me a little voice note. You can tell me who you are, or you can leave it anonymous, and that’s totally fine, but your questions, your explorations, what you’re curious about, really helps me create content and figure out what to show up with, because that’s, I think going to be one of the big things for me this season, is just sharing some inspiration with you. What, what am I thinking about? What has come up when I’m talking with people, talking with clients, talking with folks in my life, and sharing some of those, those thoughts, the little the little nuggets that are helping as we navigate all the things. And I will still have interviews. I’m still gonna have guests on. If there is someone that you’re like, I would love to hear the two of you have a conversation. Please let me know. I always, I just, I love to hear from you all that is the biggest thing that helps me keep going is that’s the thing that I look to receive, is the feedback, the input. I mean, even if it’s like, wow, that was like, I really like it when you do this. But this was not so helpful. Like, I take all of it and with a great deal of appreciation, because I know that it takes your time and your effort to reach out and communicate in this online world that a lot of us are just like, Ah, so thank you for being here, and I will talk to you all next time.